24 Hours to Live: Chris Hardwick

Here’s how the host of (deep breath) @Midnight, Talking Dead, and Nerdist plans to unplug.

Illustrated by Andy MacGregor | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013

How do you want to go?

A kindly old lady shows up at my bedside and says, “It’s time to go, dear.” I take her hand, and we start walking across the Earth to get to the afterlife. When we arrive at the Himalayas, I suddenly shove her down the mountain while shouting, “San Dimas High School football rules!” Then, while running screaming and naked to the nearest Pizza Hut, I am suffocated by an avalanche of orgasms. Or something similar to that.

Will you be going to heaven or hell, and why?

Moments before I die, my consciousness will be uploaded to the Internet. So I guess the latter.

@Midnight, your new show, is a comedic rapid-fire game show inspired by social media. Do you think there’s Facebook in the afterlife?

Probably. I’m sure Zuckerberg will figure out a way to monetize the afterlife. Unfortunately there won’t be a way to die again to escape an eternity of cloud check-ins. “I GET IT, JESUS. You’re the Mayor of God. Take it easy…”

What would be your first tweet from hell?

“Looks a lot like a message board.”

Who do you think has more Twitter followers, God or the devil?

Justin Bieber has 45 million followers. The American Red Cross has a million. What do you think?

Was there anyone on Earth you wanted to punch in the face?

That son of a bitch Lucius Malfoy!

What deceased person would you most love to have on the Nerdist podcast?

Benjamin Franklin: “SERIOUSLY what the fuck is a ‘stitch in time’??”

While you were alive, what did you spend the most money on?

Doctor Who T-shirts.

Deathbed confession: Did anyone actually ever find true love on Singled Out?

I’m happy to confess that in life. No.

Which Singled Out cohost would you rather spend eternity with, Jenny McCarthy or Carmen Electra?

I only get one? It doesn’t seem fair to choose. Can I sew their ghosts together or something? Like a wraith quilt?

What woman did you always want to sleep with?

I would have a three-way with 1950s Lucille Ball and Olivia Newton-John from Xanadu. YEAH-H-H-H-H! A TIME ORGY!!!

If you could come back and spy on someone who’s still alive, who would it be and why?

I wouldn’t spy on anyone, because I’m not a filthy creeper, you jerk!

What’s the wildest thing you ever did while you were alive?

Well, this one time I answered a bunch of existential questions in a magazine that had mostly half-naked ladies in it.

What are people saying over your casket?

“Try to host an after-show for THIS, asshole.”

Check out Our Interview With Rob Huebel and The Beginner’s Guide to Doctor Who.