Do you have any deathbed confessions?
Yes, this deathbed is incredibly comfortable. Where did you get it?
Will you be going to heaven or hell, and why?
I hope I’m going to heaven, because God will bend the rules for somebody like me.
If you were to form your own Community-esque study group in heaven, what famous dead people would it be composed of?
The Eagles, because they look at any excuse to get back together at this point. But wait, we have to study in heaven? That blows.
What daytime talk show plays on a constant loop in hell?
They all do, all at once.
Of all your favorite people to mock—Spencer Pratt, Tyra Banks, Jon & Kate Plus 8—who would you least like to be stuck with in the afterlife?
Hitler. That guy was an asshole.
Was there anyone on Earth you wanted to punch in the face?
Hitler. Seriously, what an asshole.
What song plays as you die?
“Why Don’t We Do It in the Road” by the Beatles.
What’s your last meal?
I’d have to go with chocolate-frosted lobster soaked in 18-year-old Macallan scotch.
While alive, what did you spend the most money on?
Name one thing that you’re glad you’ll never have to do again on Earth.
One segment of The Soup is “Let’s Take Some E!” Looking back at your life, what’s the wildest thing you’ve ever done?
Order fish on a Sunday.
Tell us, Joel: What is your biggest regret in life?
Not playing the lottery enough.
You talk a lot of smack about Ryan Seacrest. What is he saying over your casket?
He won’t be able to look over it.