24 Hours to Live: Justin Long

The Mac guy-turned-movie star’s thoughts on death? Not very P.C.

So how do you want to go?

I would like to be fellated to death by Lea Thomp­son circa 1985.

What’s your last meal?

Chinese cooked by a naked Michelle Pfeiffer.

What song plays as you die?

The Perfect Strangers theme, “Standing Tall.”

Do you have any deathbed confessions?

I once asked Joan Rivers to defecate on my chest. I can’t say whether she agreed or not.

Do they use Macs or PC’s in heaven?

I pray to God they don’t use computers at all. I’m guessing if there is a heaven, they probably have a more advanced way of watching porn.

Which movie of yours plays in hell?

All of them, but on certain days they play Herbie: Fully Loaded and Crossroads as a double feature on a loop.

Any near-death experiences while you were shooting Live Free or Die Hard?

No, but many “near career-death experiences.”

Looking back, are there any movie roles you wish you could have had?

I wish I could’ve played Forest Whitaker’s part in The Last King of Scotland and Ashley Olsen’s role in New York Minute.

What’s the wildest thing you ever did while you were alive?

A fivesome with the Baldwin brothers.

What is your proudest accomplishment?

Never having seen an episode of The Real World.

Besides your girlfriend, what woman did you always want to sleep with?

This question is fraught with so many potential pitfalls. When I was dating my ex, she asked me that, casually and seemingly without consequences. Finally I relented and said, “Elisha Cuthbert, I guess,” though to be clear, it wasn’t something I had thought much about. For weeks I didn’t hear the end of it: “Well, why don’t you just run off with Elisha Cuthbert!”

What are people saying over your casket?

He looks much better dead.

Justin’s next film is He’s Just Not That Into You.