24 Hours to Live: Kevin Bacon

It’s curtains for the ubiquitous star of this month’s Death Sentence. Herewith, his final character study.

So how do you want to go?

I know it’s a cliché, but I’ve heard of guys having heart attacks during sex. The idea of coming and going at the same time is very appealing to me.

Will your heart attack have a soundtrack?

I’d love to hear “Golden Slumbers,” “Carry That Weight,” and “The End” from Abbey Road.

What about your last meal?

A slice of pizza from Joe’s on Carmine Street in New York City.

Who will play you in the Kevin Bacon biopic?

That movie will be so boring. I wouldn’t wish the role on anyone.

Do you think you’ll end up in heaven or hell?

I don’t believe in an afterlife. In theory an afterlife is supposed to keep you from sin, but people use it as an excuse to screw up while they’re still in this life. I figure this life is all I get, so I’d better make the best of it.

If there were a hell, and Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon were played there, which sinner would you be connected to?

John Wilkes Booth.

What were the best moments of your life?

The births of my children.

The worst?

The deaths of my parents.

Tell us something about yourself your fans never knew.

I hate earrings. It’s almost like a phobia—the idea of them can make me gag.

Did you ever get into any nasty on-set brawls?

Never, although it’s not too late. In the immortal words of Michael Jackson, “I’m a lover, not a fighter.” Besides, I use my face for work.

Aside from your wife, what woman did you always want to sleep with?

I’ve always wanted to sleep with…Wait a minute, what kind of ass do you think I am? This question was obviously written by a single guy.

Busted. Describe your funeral.

Short and funny.

What will people be saying as they grieve?

They’ll be saying, “Do you think there will be food?”

What items would you like with you in your coffin?

No coffin for me. Burn me up and scatter me around. And don’t spend too much time grieving.

Write your epitaph.

“No Oscars, but at least he had a game named after him.”