24 Hours to Live: Mr. Burns

Springfield’s resident crypt keeper and star of The Simpsons Movie contemplates the bitter end.

So how will it all end for you?

A flapping butterfly wing will graze my cheek.

Has radiation exposure contributed to your downfall?

On the contrary, repeated exposure to high-dosage radiation has done wonders for my health. Just ask the mutant second head on my back. Second head: “I disagree.” Mr. Burns: “Shut up!”

What was the worst thing about being rich?

Rolling in cash piles, yelling, “I’m rich!” led to nasty paper cuts.

Are you upset you can’t bring money into the afterlife?

Indeed, and that’s why I’m trying to spend it all before I die. What I don’t spend, I’ve ordered to be burned in front of the poor?at a distance of course, so they can’t warm themselves.

Do you care that you never had any real friends?

I did have a friend! A dear friend whose passing I mourn to this day. I refer, of course, to the 1972 demise of the Gold Standard.

What was your greatest disappointment?

The future. As a child I dreamed that by now we humans would have shed our physical forms and become beings of pure energy, searching the universe for interstellar money.

What are you most proud of?

My bank account. Eighty years ago, I started with only $20 million in the bank, and now I have $25 million. Only in America!

Is there a woman you always wanted to sleep with?

Yes?treasurer of the United States Anna Escobedo Cabral. Have you seen her signature on the dollar bill? Sexy!

What do you wish you had learned sooner?

The phrase “Release the hounds!” For a long time I was saying, “Lift up the dog gate!” and that’s much less dramatic.

What will become of your whipping boy, Smithers?

My dream is that Smithers will be buried right beside me, even if he’s not dead yet.