They may not have the best arm of last season, but at least they’ve got a corn dog that could clog even the most tidy of arteries. The D-Bat (yes, D-Bat, you jerks) dog - which will be on sale this season at Diamondbacks games - is an 18-inch affront to nature, stuffed with bacon, cheese, jalapeno, and the tears of a too-old-to-still-pitch Randy Johnson. It’s then battered, fried, and set atop a bed of French fries, because fuck doctors. Here, bear witness, but just know that you can’t unsee this.
The Diamondbacks stadium will also offer the “Venom Dog” - a foot-long habanero-infused sausage with guacamole, pico de gallo, black beans, and sour cream - and the “Sonoran Dog,” a dog wrapped in mesquite bacon with pico de gallo, bean, and mayo. They will also, apparently, have something called “baseball.”