After last night’s game-ending pickoff by Koji Uehara (king of the awkward celebration), and the game-ending obstruction call on Saturday - both firsts of their kind in the World Series – those who don’t belong to either of these competitively insufferable fan bases are not left with much of a reason to watch – all the crazy has likely been depleted. Well, fear not, ambivalent viewer, we’ve got some scenarios (that will most likely happen, of course) that will make the last three games crazier than we’ve ever seen.
Game 5: DQ’d Using an Altered Bat
Tonight’s game will likely end with a Mike Napoli walk off, only to be called back by the umpire, who notices that the cracked bat used is full of something. Although instead of cork, Napoli’s bat was full of deer urine and all the buttons that have apparently popped off his stupid jersey. Advantage Cardinals.
Game 6: Some kind of The Fan situation where Robert De Niro dresses up as the umpire and tries to murder somebody.
Unless you’re some kind of fancy-pants who likes to “not watch ridiculous movies,” you’ll obviously remember 1996’s The Fan, wherein a deranged fan tries to murder a baseball player by somehow sneaking onto the field as an umpire (like they even screen those guys).
We predict Game 6 will end exactly like this, only with Stephen Drew having his life threatened. The game is awarded to the Sox out of sympathy.
Game 7: The only way it could end
The 9th inning draws to a close with the game locked 2-2. The championship could not be decided by 7 games, and we are about to crown one of these teams in extra time. Until the edict comes down from above: the world doesn’t want either of these teams to win! The players go home and we give the already-minted rings to the Pirates. Everyone on earth is happy.
Photos by (Photo: Boston Globe/ Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2013)