3 Historical Events Ruined By Hollywood Movies

Starting with this weekend’s Pompeii.

After seeing the trailer for Pompeii, we’re expecting the worst. Somehow the director seemed to downplay the actual volcanic eruption and burial of an entire civilization, and focus more on a gladiator’s royal love connection, which just so happens to take place in between falling mounds of steamy lava. Really? We’re not paying $15 to see that bullshit. Unsurprisingly, this isn’t the first time Hollywood has completely butchered an epic historical event. Prepare to become infuriated…

Pearl Harbor

Obviously we’re huge fans of Kate Beckinsale – she donned our cover back in June of 2012 alongside Jessica Biel and Colin Farrell – but what we’re not fans of is when Hollywood undermines a major incident by turning it into a cheap love story. The unexpected bombing of Pearl Harbor – one of the largest attacks on US soil in history, and the immediate cause of our entrance into World War II – was, in this movie, turned into a twisted love triangle between two best friends and a war nurse. While the 40-minute attack sequence proved to be historically accurate, most of the film centered around romantic distress and “but you hurt my feelings!” nonsense. Suffice it to say that no one who fought in World War II or experienced the horror at Pearl Harbor firsthand would be giving this a 10/10 on Rotten Tomatoes (if they knew what Rotten Tomatoes was).


Thanks to countless history lectures we were pretty stoked when Titanic came out; that is, until we saw the trailer. Not only did we hear way too much of Celine Dion’s whining, but the clips proved that James Cameron’s Academy Award-winning picture was nothing more than a rich-girl-poor-boy soap opera. Even though the post-iceberg action was pretty intense, we fell asleep after Leonardo DiCaprio‘s “king of the world” declaration, at which point we wanted nothing more than for him to sit down and shut the fuck up. Get to the epic destruction and doom already!


Homer’s epic poem

The Iliad

tells the story of the last few weeks of the 10-year-long Trojan War. Filled with tons of blood and crazy brutality, you’d think this movie would be the shit. But with endless close-ups of Brad Pitt and Orlando Bloom, you quickly realized it was more about gladiators running around in skintight leather bottoms than good old-fashioned mass slayings. Next!