By all accounts, Lionsgate is thinking of turning its popular young adult fiction adaptation, The Hunger Games, into a theme park, because when you read a book about children being forced to murder each other so that some of their impoverished families might not starve to death, the first thing you think is, “Weee, rollercoasters!” There’s no word yet on what kind of attractions to expect, but we’d hope that at the very least there’d be some kind of get-stung-to-death-by-bees attraction, or maybe a lethal exploding floor if you step out of line while waiting for a ride. It got us thinking, though – what other popular works would make horrible, horrible theme parks? Let’s see…
If you want an experience that’ll stay with you for a lifetime (or at least until the antibiotics kick in), visit McNulty’s STD Funhouse, before stopping by the cafeteria for some crab cakes and a case of Heineken. After that, stop by Omar’s Rootin’ Tootin’ Shootin’ Gallery and see if you can win one of the top prizes of the day (spoiler alert: They’re all crack). Alternatively, relive the excitement of Season Two by spending ten whole months sitting in a small office with Beadie and Lester, painstakingly going over shipping manifests.
Make space camp more exciting with Dr. Stone’s Exploding Shuttle Experience, guaranteed to cause nausea, vomiting, and possibly instant, frozen suffocation. Take a breather at Matt Kowalski’s Country Music Revival Barn before having a relaxing swim in Anonymous Foreign Lake Lagoon, where you can experience the latest in near-death by drowning. It’s the only theme park in the world guaranteed to have a potentially lethal event every three minutes!
“Can you fly, Bobby?” you will be asked as you enter the park, a question whose relevance will become all too apparent when you’re hurled off the back of the Bank Heist Escape! ride and into the windshield of a pursuing police car. Follow that up with a trip around Clarence Boddicker’s Magic Mirror Maze (where you’re personally guaranteed to be hurled face-first through every mirror), before rounding out the day at Emil Antonowsky’s Toxic Log Flume. It’s flesh-melting fun for all the family!