The 17th Electronic Entertainment Expo kicks off today with press conferences from the major console manufacturers and game publishers. EA, Ubisoft, Microsoft, and Sony will all be scrapping for the hearts and minds of the next gen of consoles and gaming, and our palms haven’t been this sweaty with anticipation since Sailor Moon body pillows first hit Amazon Prime. But what, exactly, will the series of corporate marketing flacks and weirdly inappropriate celebrity shills be saying today? We have no idea! So let’s do what we do best – guess wildly while occasionally inserting gratuitous genital references!
1. Microsoft Will Focus On The Gaming Side Of The One
Microsoft’s reveal of the Xbox One – or “Xbone” (heh) – had Internet commenters screaming “BIG BROTHER” faster than when their actual big brothers peed on their Genesis Master System, thanks to debates about whether the Kinect camera could actually be turned off, strict DRM measures, and a focus on the casual market, rather than hardcore gamers. So expect Microsoft to give a meat & potatoes press briefing heavy on hardware, console exclusives, and AAA titles. This gamer-goodwill campaign may have already begun, as the Internet is reporting that Fable 3 is available free for download on Xbox Live.
2. EA Better Have an Awesome Madden This Year
EA’s exclusive license with the NFL and the player’s union ends this year, meaning competing sports publishers like 2K can get back in the official football game starting in 2014. With the first Madden game for next-gen consoles, EA better blow away not just fans, but NFL execs considering extending EA’s exclusive deal. But the publisher’s record on debuting first iterations of long-standing sports franchises on new systems is thoroughly average. By the time a new system rolls around, EA has usually mastered the current gen and maximized their feature set and game-play, but while the PS4 and Xbox One might get a cooler looking product on the outside, themechanics could still be sub-par.
3. Sony Will Continue to Laugh All The Way to the Bank
Yes, Sony will finally show us what the PS4 will actually look like sometime this evening. It’s currently looking like the PS4 has the lead in popularity with traditional gamers, so look for the Japanese giant to draw not-so-subtle comparisons to their leading competitor’s apparent missteps with the hardcore game community.
4. Ubisoft Will Own the Day
GET F’N EXCITED! We’re not even joking – Just Dance, a few friends, and a bottle of grain alcohol is the recipe for the greatest night of your life. And, damn, we just realized we haven’t made one genital reference yet, so…penis. Enjoy the conferences!
Check out Maxim Gamer Girl and The Gaming Review: Fuse.