4 Reasons Why God Didn’t Want the Ravens to Win the Super Bowl

That’s not Raven at all.

That’s not Raven at all.

(Photo by Jim Davis/Getty)

Ray Lewis and his Ravens took home a second Lombardi trophy to add to his collection of hardware that will someday be bought ironically in an auction. In his postgame speech, the linebacker attributed his team’s success to God. Quoth the Raven, “When God is for you, who can be against you?” We think that may not be completely accurate, and by “may not be completely accurate” we mean “is complete and utter nonsense.” Besides the fact that they have Ray Lewis, here are just a few of the reasons that God was not wearing a Ravens jersey.

What did Colin Kaepernick ever do?

The guy has Bible verses tattooed all over his arms. If God is putting his thumb on the Ravens’ side of the scale, he is totally blowing off the 49ers’ QB. Would God do that just because the guy is a little (ok, maybe a lot) boring? We think not.

They don’t have Tim Tebow.

C’mon, you think if God had a choice of who to hit with a ring he wouldn’t choose his own son?

Do the referees work for God?

Unless the zebras were secret double agents for the big man upstairs, they can take a good amount of the flack for Baltimore hoisting another trophy. Three calls went against San Francisco in the final minutes that had serious consequences. First, a shot on Crabtree that could have been helmet-to-helmet, then the already-infamous blown holding in the end zone, and finally a blatant hold on the unpunt at the end of the game. Were any of the disciples named Jerome?

God doesn’t care about football.

With all the things he has to deal with already, we would guess that he doesn’t give a single crap about Ray Lewis.

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