5 Elves You Won’t Find in Santa’s Workshop This Christmas
Not every elf is cut out for working at the North Pole – some are more suited to mass slaughter and being creepy.
5. Dobby – Harry Potter
Current Job: A house-elf, which is basically a helpless, terrified slave in the world of Harry Potter. Yeah, not such a cute, whimsical fantasy world now, is it?
Why Santa Won’t Hire Him: Cuteness is a requirement for working at the North Pole, which disqualifies Dobby and the grounds that he looks like a cross between Vladimir Putin and a hairless cat made of turds.
What Kind of Gift He’d Make: With any luck, the gift of his own swift and silent death.
4. Link – The Legend of Zelda
Current Job: Saving a princess who can’t seem to go more than a week without being kidnapped.
Why Santa Won’t Hire Him: Link is a very diligent elf, but he’s far too violent to be trusted with the delicate business of toy manufacturing. Look at the horrible little bastard, you can’t even leave him alone in a room with an adorable critter like Pikachu without him starting a fight.
What Kind of Gift He’d Make: A time-traveling sword that can bring kids back to a simpler time – a time when 8-bit strategy games weren’t shown up by a game where you can run over prostitutes.
3. Legolas – The Lord of the Rings
Current Job: Looking for a ring and walking. Lots and lots of walking.
Why Santa Won’t Hire Him: You’d think Legolas would be a sure thing for a job that requires all staff to hit their targets (ha!) but considering Santa’s only competition for Mrs. Claus’ attentions has always just been squeaky, green-hatted midgets, Santa’s going to think twice about allowing this blonde bombshell to start strutting about the workshop.
What Kind of Gift He’d Make: Instructional DVDs teaching kids archery. The Blu-ray comes with special bonus footage of Legolas retrieving arrows in the woods for seven hours.
2. Jen – The Dark Crystal
Current Job: Being the last surviving male of the Gelflings. We use “male” in the loosest possible sense here.
Why Santa Won’t Hire Him: Harboring fugitives at the North Pole could be a huge liability for Santa. He’s trying to run a business up there, not a charity!
What Kind of Gift He’d Make: Probably some kind of voucher for plastic surgery, since he’s clearly such a fan of Botox, he doesn’t even have facial expressions anymore.
1. Malekith – Thor: The Dark World
Current Job: Making audiences believe that a pasty elf is a legitimate opponent for a hulking, Nordic god of thunder.
Why Santa Won’t Hire Him: Malekith isn’t the type to accept anything less than a management position, and even Santa doesn’t have anything like that open in this economy.
What Kind of Gift He’d Make: The gift of laughter! Just kidding – he wants to murder you and your entire family. Merry Christmas!