5 Other Reasons Why Wolverine Should Go Back in Time
Saving the world is admirable, but maybe he should go back to address these low moments from his past.
X-Men: Days of Future Past is out this week, and in it, Wolverine goes back in time to stop the future from being taken over by mutant-killing robots (or maybe he just wants to see what Professor X looked like with hair). Anyway, while he’s getting zapped through the space-time continuum, there may be a few other less than stellar moments from his own past he’d like to rectify along the way. Moments like…
The Period Where He Wore an Eye-Patch
Why He’d Go Back: For a guy whose wardrobe consists primarily of yellow spandex, Wolverine never looked more ridiculous than during the time when he wore an eye-patch. Why would a guy with a healing factor need an eye-patch? Well, he didn’t technically need it. Logan could actually poke out his eye once a day for the rest of his life and never need an eye-patch. But he wore it anyway because he was supposed to be dead at the time, and this was the best disguise he could come up with. Even Superman put more thought into hiding his identity.
How He’d Fix Things: He could help himself develop a better cover. Just about anything would do, like a big hat or a pair of those novelty Groucho Marx mustache-glasses. Or, he could try to convince his past self to lose his trademark haircut and mutton chops, which are kind of a dead giveaway. And if those didn’t work, at least time-traveling Wolverine could help his younger self devise a better alias than “Patch.” (Yes, that’s really what he called himself.)
Possible Paradox to Watch Out For: Wolverine is a fairly grumpy dude, and if a future version of himself showed up and started making fun of his new pirate costume, things could get messy.
Why He’d Go Back: Around 1987, Marvel was clearly running out of ideas, and decided that the coolest thing they could do to the X-Men would be to turn them into babies. Yup, lovable, diaper-wearing babies, complete with cutesy names like “Cyke,” “Creepy Crawler,” and “Wolvie.” They fell so in love with this idea that they created permanent baby clones of all the X-Men, and gave them their own comic where they star in a TV show.
How He’d Fix Things: Lure the adorable Wolvie with jellybeans into a dark alley and slice his head off. Sorry, we know it’s harsh, but it’s the only way.
Possible Paradox to Watch Out For: Wolverine being arrested on pedophilia charges after falling in love with baby Jean Grey.
That Time Punisher Kicked His Ass
Why He’d Go Back: What’s worse than turning Wolverine into a baby before his balls descended? Having the Punisher brutally shoot off his man parts and then run him over with a steam roller.
How He’d Fix Things: For most of these, Future Wolverine would have a tough time telling Past Wolverine what to do, but a simple conversation here would be plenty:
Future Wolverine: “Hey, steer clear of that Punisher guy, he’s going to shoot your nuts off.”
Past Wolverine: “Wow, thanks Bub, have a cigar!”
Possible Paradox to Watch Out For: Logan will miss out on that brief period where he pursued his dream of becoming a choir boy.
That Time He Was a Spokesman for Gerber Baby Products
Why He’d Go Back: When Toy Biz was advertising Gerber Baby Products in their 1993 annual report, they had the entire Marvel universe from which to choose. They could have picked Spider-Man, who is incredibly kid-friendly, or maybe Captain America, to help instill children with some good, old-fashioned American values. But no, instead, the ads primarily focused on the alcoholic Iron Man, and Wolverine, whose favorite pastimes include smoking cigars, trying to bang another guy’s wife, and brutally murdering people.
How He’d Fix Things: All Future Wolverine would need to do is show Gerber executives Wolverine issue #14 from 2011, where Wolverine killed all five members of “The Mongrels,” which he later discovered were all children of his that he’d abandoned throughout his life. This should pretty clearly prove that Wolverine is a poor example for parents of newborn children.
Possible Paradox to Watch Out For: Gerber sales might take a dip, but on the upside, it could cut down on all those infants who were rushed to the emergency room after trying to imitate Wolverine.
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Why He’d Go Back: To stop this shitty movie from ever being made, or at least let the writers know what Gambit’s powers are.
How He’d Fix Things: There are so many things wrong with this movie it’s hard to count, but he could start by giving it a plot, getting rid of the annoying “Blob,” letting Deadpool keep his mouth, and maybe not having Wolverine participate in every war since the dawn of time. We get it, the guy’s fucking old; he doesn’t need to shake hands with Abe Lincoln for us to understand that.
Possible Paradox to Watch Out For: Actually, this one doesn’t apply here. The X-Men movies have so many continuity errors, Doc Brown would need 50 chalk boards just to explain them.
Photos by Alan Markfield / Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation