Office fantasy football leagues can be a delightful and recreational respite from the drudgeries of day-to-day office life. However, most time they are not. These leagues usually turn into a gladiator-style, no man is safe, bloodthirsty, backstabbing, royal rumble of animosity and vitriol. And that’s just the draft.
So, if you want to assure yourself victory in this arena where only the strong survive, you’re going to have to abide by some rules. And then break some rules. But only break the rules that we tell you to break in our rules. You’ll see what’s going on here, just keep going.
1. Take Advantage of the Interns
That’s what they are there for! If they want that juicy recommendation letter they’ll deliver you Julius Thomas on the same plate that they bring your double espresso on. If they’re lucky, maybe you’ll even throw in a line about how they are “adept at drafting, especially in the later rounds.”
2. Even the Playing Field
Let’s say you are aching for a wide receiver this week, and your selfish coworker is keeping Brandon Marshall all for himself. He won’t even listen to trade offers. Well maybe he wants to take off a little early this Friday, and maybe you are exactly the guy to take on some work and make it happen for him. Maybe he’s a little more receptive to your offers now. This can also go in a more sinister, blackmail-y direction that involves framing the coworker for a murder, but you might want to try the nice way first.
3. Manipulate the Homer
Carl could not make it clearer that he’s been transferred in from Cincinnati. He’s got his Bengals mouse pad, he forwards around Ickey Shuffles gifs, and is always asking where “you guys are watching the Cardiac Cats on Sunday?” So it stands to reason that Carl would love to have A.J. Green (who you just so happened to draft) on his team. Would he Adrian Peterson love to have him? Yep, he would Adrian Peterson love to have him.
4. Make Work Work for you
What could you possibly be doing in all those hours between 9 and 5 (or more like 9:30 to 4:30, amirite guys?) other than continually combing the waiver wire for gold? Wars are won in the trenches and if you want the water cooler chatter to be about your dominance, you have to put in the hours. Maybe all the hours. Yeah, go with all the hours.
5. Let the Boss Win
Finally, and maybe most importantly, when playing the big man, throw the week at all costs. “Oh, you got me good with that 34-yard Kendall Wright performance. I really thought benching Jamaal Charles was the right move!” Unless it’s the playoffs. Then fuck that guy, you can always find a new job – glory is forever.
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