5 Sexy Ads For Really Unsexy Foods

No matter what happens, vegetables will never be sexy. Sorry, kids!

Alexa Lyons

Feb 3, 2014

You’d think combining girls and food would be the most genius idea of all time, but the ads below prove otherwise. There are some foods that you just cannot make sexy – even with hot models. We know, we couldn’t believe it either!

Skittles

We’re not going to deny that we love skittles – they’re delicious. Especially when they’re floating in vodka. Or gin. Or…you get the idea. But to say that they’re sexy is definitely an overstatement (they’re cavity-causing monsters! And they dye your fingers weird colors!). Plus the thought of skittles shooting out of your genitals sounds like the least appealing – and most painful – thing that could possibly happen during sex. Anyone who has ever experienced the hell of passing a single, tiny kidney stone probably passed out in shock the first time they saw this commercial.

Hardee’s Spicy BBQ Burger

Hardee’s and Carl Jr.’s are known for using hot girls to promote their food. Between Kate Upton and Nina Agdal, the fast food brands love having their greasy goodies feasted on by models. It was the Paris Hilton Spicy BBQ Burger commercial that started it all, showing the camera-loving heiress chowing down on a burger while washing a car. Now, it’s not that we hate seeing Paris Hilton getting wet and wild – we just hate watching her eat that burger, imagining all of its delicious ingredients flooding out onto the soapy, scum-covered, tire-tracked garage floor. Because if there’s one thing worse than wet food, it’s wet food with a slight hint of road-kill.

Dr. Pepper Cherry

We clearly see the appeal of this commercial: Fergie decked out in a dominatrix outfit while demonstrating her lack of a gag reflex. So what’s not to love? It’s the fact that she’s pouring Cherry Dr. Pepper down her gullet that makes us cower away from the screen. Not Cristal, not the most expensive cocktail in the world, not even a 7-11 slurpie – just gross, gross Cherry Dr. Pepper. Might as well be cough syrup. Come on, Fergie, you’re better than that!

Vegetables

Obviously these ladies are beautiful and therefore any type of “rubbing” would typically be encouraged, but watching these girls stroke themselves with bunches of asparagus and broccoli heads is not only putting us off sex, it’s putting us off lunch. Leave it to Peta to ruin a good thing with sitophilia.

Ramen

In our college days (and, if we’re honest, our current days), we relied heavily on ramen for sustenance simply because we couldn’t spend more than $1 on anything. So yes, we had no choice but to occasionally wine and dine our dates with Cup Noodles. As we were frequently told by our would-be lady-friends, there is nothing sexy about ramen – and sadly, by extension, nothing sexy about the broke-ass dude offering it.