The Super Bowl is upon us yet again, but for those not into watching the Broncos battle the Seahawks, there are a few alternatives. The Puppy Bowl, Animal Planet’s answer to the Big Game, is now in its 10th year (complete with inexplicable penguin cheerleaders), and this year Hallmark Channel has introduced its own Kitten Bowl. Taking the idea way too far is Nat Geo Wild with its first annual Fish Bowl, which is literally a fish in a bowl, swimming around for several hours. If we’re going there, we might as well get everyone in on the alternative Super Bowl action. In that spirit, we’ve put together a few suggestions for other networks to cash in. (Editor’s note: These are all completely made-up…for now.)
Food Network Presents “Mixing Bowl”
Is your favorite part of the Super Bowl the party snacks? Do you prefer crafting a perfect 12-layer-bean dip to worrying about whether Peyton Manning just got sacked? Then the Food Network’s First Annual “Mixing Bowl” may be for you. It’s a four-hour show where an electric mixer slowly spins inside a brightly colored cooking bowl, possibly sponsored by Kitchen Aid. There’s no halftime action, but at the end someone comes in to lick the beaters, offering a prime opportunity for some class-A dick jokes. Everyone’s a winner!
FXX Presents “Smoke A Bowl Bowl”
Let’s be honest: If you live in Colorado or Washington you’re going to spend this (and every) Sunday smoking your sweet, sweet legally obtained ganja. So why not join the other stoners by flipping over to FXX’s “Smoke A Bowl Bowl,” which is essentially just smoke billowing out a very large glass pipe for several hours, followed by back-to-back episodes of the gang from Always Sunny smoking crack in an alley. Who won the Big Game? You won’t care. But could someone pass those Doritos, like NOW?
VH1 Presents “Hollywood Bowl”
Is Bruno Mars’ collab with the Red Hot Chili Peppers the only reason you’re heading to a Super Bowl party on Sunday? Do you think the Super Bowl should just be a halftime show and nothing else? Well, good news: This year VH1 will air old footage of classic musicians performing at iconic Los Angeles venue the Hollywood Bowl for their inaugural “Hollywood Bowl.” It’s mostly Hall and Oates dissolving into Barry Manilow, and instead of screaming like Richard Sherman when someone fouls a play, you can sing along to “Maneater.”
HGTV Presents “Toilet Bowl”
There’s no real logic to this one, but if Nat Geo Wild can air a goldfish swimming in circles, then why can’t HGTV broadcast an aerial image of a toilet all afternoon? Maybe at the end there’s a network crossover, and we bid farewell to the fish as he makes his journey back to the sea with a final flush. Brilliant.
Cinemax Presents “XXX Bowl”
Do you love fake football games but hate cute animals? Then Cinemax’s “XXX Bowl” is the thing for you. Instead of tiny fluffy puppies, Cinemax has enlisted a lineup of porn stars who will gingerly trot around a small football field and pretend to toss each other the ball in skimpy uniforms. The halftime show will feature Janet Jackson look-alikes “accidentally” slipping nips. The winner? You – about four minutes into the game.
Photos by GlobalP / iStock | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014