5 Things We Learned From The 2013 NFL Playoffs: Wildcard Round

Maybe the concussion protocols work, Andy Reid gunna stay Andy Reid, Bengals fans shouldn’t be too pissed, and more!

John Kuhn Can’t Jump

And that’s OK. What’s not OK is the constant and pernicious throating of this dude by announcers any time he touches the ball. Yes, they chant his name in Green Bay (possibly the whitest town in America in every conceivable way) and it makes everyone really uncomfortable everywhere else. He is an OK fullback. That’s it. Until the stat nerds can start quantifying “hard workingest” and “does everything he’s asked of-ness,” Kuhn will remain just another fullback who occasionally does stuff. Announcers, please refrain from attempting to coax his engorged member inside of you anytime he does said stuff. Thank you.

Not Playing With Concussions Is a Good Thing

The first half of the Chiefs-Colts game looked like a massacre. Up 31-10 going into the third quarter, it didn’t seem to matter that the Chiefs backfield consisted of rookie Knile Davis and a dish towel with googly eyes glued on. That’s because all-pro monster Jamaal Charles, after having his lights turned off early in the first quarter, left the game following the NFL’s new concussion protocols. Later, defensive back Donnie Avery was similarly pulled following a noggin knockin’ of his own. What’s really surprising? Neither player returned to the field, even though the second half escalated into a real contest. Though it’s surely a huge disappointment to the fans and the players themselves, it’s actually pretty great that neither Charles nor Avery was allowed back on the field no matter how dire the circumstances. While the protocols held up in the regular season, it’s good to see that in do-or-die playoff circumstances, coaches aren’t throwing brain-scrambled players back out on the field. It may have cost the Chiefs the game, but it most certainly saved some brain cells – and isn’t that what life’s all about? Brain cells? Delicious, delicious brain cells?

Jamaal Charles or no Jamaal Charles, Andy Reid Will Kill Your Dreams

Being a football coach is very hard. Andy Reid is a very successful football coach. Seven division championships and one conference championship in 14 years with the Eagles is very good. But Andy Reid is a no good, terrible elephant seal when it comes to managing the clock. So has he been, so will he be, for all eternity. And because of that little (but so big) flaw, he will take you to the mountain only to destroy any and all hope you have in this world of making it to the summit. Chiefs fans have every right to be ecstatic about an incredibly successful season that came out of nowhere, and they surely have many years of winning seasons to look forward to with Reid at the helm. But rest assured, he will slowly and cancerously eat the dreams of the Kansas City faithful just as he demolishes triple-cheese meatball subs – with great relish and to completion. Heartbreaking playoff losses, last-second incompetence…it’s just Andy Reid’s (and any team he’s associated with) sad destiny. 

Hey, Bengals, Maybe Don’t Fire Your Head Coach

Yeah, 0-5 in the playoffs isn’t great for a coach, but the Bengals’ most recent playoff debacle has got to go at the feet of Andy Dalton. In the third quarter, that dude sharted the bed like few beds have ever been sharted upon. And it doesn’t even look like he’s taking blame for it! Now, maybe just three seasons of pretty decent play and some terrible playoff games isn’t enough to warrant drafting a new QB of the future, but neither should this QB’s woes be saddled on a pretty decent coach. Bengals fans, take a second to realize that the Bills haven’t even been in the playoffs for 14 years. The Browns and Raiders? Eleven. So, sure, getting bounced in the first round after winning your division sucks…but it could be a lot worse.

Football Is Just Awesome

In Saturday’s games, 139 points were scored by four teams. The total margin of victory? Three points. That’s three points between both games. Thank you, football.