5 Things That Will Definitely Happen in the 2014 PGA Year

This could be the best year in golf ever.

For those who long to crack a beer, light up a cigar, and laugh as that 15-year-old caddy struggles with their golf bags, winter cannot end soon enough. Golfers trapped in the northern states are overcome with yearning for a warmer climate, as well as a healthy hatred for the people who live in one year-round (yes, we’re looking at you Florida). Until then, the only solace for the bereaved golfer is to watch the PGA Tour. In anticipation of the Masters on April 10th, here are our predictions for 2014. Because, honestly, it’s really hard to stop thinking about golf.

Rap Feuds Emerge Within the PGA

The only thing worse than the Golf Boys – a hip-hop quartet consisting of Ben Crane, Bubba Watson, Rickie Fowler, and Hunter Mahan – would be this: Tiger Woods, Tom Watson, Jim Furyk, and Phil Mickelson form a rival rap group called “The Putter Posse,” “Dirty Mick & The Boyz,” or “The Country Club Mafia,” and perform at the Masters. These are followed by multiple senseless “cart-by puttings” where the rival gangs assault each other with lightly tapped golf balls. 

Jason Dufner is Still the Man

Everyone’s favorite southern boy Jason Dufner – father of “Dufnering” – who won his first major last year, keeps his awesomeness meter off the charts by continuing to pack his lips full of chew and smack his wife’s butt in public.

Webb Simpson Joins a Yacht Club

The U.S. Open Bird Man appears at all four majors, earning himself a new reality TV show, while Webb Simpson acts even more like a stereotypical pompous golfer with quotes like “Enjoy the jail cell, pal!” Could he possibly align himself more with Judge Smails?

John Daly Wins The Masters

Long time party boy and too-good-to-be-true incarnation of Happy Gilmore, John Daly, makes waves in the golf world by participating at Augusta and actually winning. And speaking of Caddyshack, his celebration will probably look a lot like this.

Rickie Fowler Stops Dressing Like an Idiot

Who are we kidding, this is never, ever, going to happen.