The 5 Toughest Guys Who Eat Twinkies

Sometimes, you need a core of iron to stomach that creamy, gooey filling.

Sometimes, you need a core of iron to stomach that creamy, gooey filling.

Fruits and vegetables are often regarded as foods that make you big and strong. But real men don’t waste their time on stuff like broccoli and apples – no, they need something much more substantial: A Twinkie. Sugar, enriched flour, partially hydrogenated vegetable oil, polysorbate 60, and yellow dye #5 are all a growing boy needs to become a strong, healthy man. Ever since the demise of Hostess a few months back, the testosterone-building snack cake has been absent from the shelves, but by all accounts we should soon be seeing their return, so to celebrate, we’ve gathered a list of the five toughest guys to ever eat Twinkies.

5. Blackout, Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance

Courtesy of Columbia Pictures

In Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, the Ghost Rider faces off against the villainous Blackout! Never heard of him? Well, we don’t recommend seeing the second Ghost Rider movie to find out more, because those are two hours you’ll never get back. Never. All you need to know is that Blackout can decay anything – food, people, even Nicolas Cage’s movie career. The only thing that is immune to Blackout is the mighty Twinkie! In one of the many attempted jokes in Spirit of Vengeance, Blackout is going through a lunch box and everything he touches decays into dust, except for the Twinkie, which he promptly eats before throwing down with Cage (again). Sure, Blackout does lose against Ghost Rider in the end, but it’s the Twinkie that made him a formidable villain to begin with. Er…probably. We weren’t following the plot that closely.

4. Egon Spengler, Ghostbusters

Courtesy of Columbia Pictures

What does it take to defeat ghosts who are wreaking havoc all over New York?  Well, you’ll need a few things: A proton pack, a ghost trap, a tricked-out hearse and, of course, Twinkies. During one of the most memorable scenes of Ghostbusters, Dr. Spengler utters his immortal speech: “Well, let’s say this Twinkie represents the normal amount of psychokinetic energy in the New York area. Based on this morning’s sample, it would be a Twinkie 35-feet long, weighing approximately 600 pounds.” Now, he could have used any food to illustrate this phenomenon – an apple, an orange, hell, even a Staypuft marshmallow, but no, he chose the Twinkie. And when it comes to being clever about stuff, nobody knows better than Egon Spengler.

3. Tallahassee, Zombieland

Courtesy of Columbia Pictures

Usually, after a zombie apocalypse, the hero of the story is in search of his family, shelter, a cure, and other lame things like that. In Zombieland, Woody Harrelson’s Tallahassee is much more high-minded: Throughout the film, he’s determined to find the greatest food ever invented by man, by which, of course, we mean Twinkies. His obsession keeps him alive in the face of the undead, since, contrary to the rumors that Twinkies never expire, Tallahassee knows that he only has so much time before the last of the delicious snack cakes go bad, and he must blow away any zombies that stand in the way of his destiny. When this film came out in 2009, Americans regarded this as just a silly plot point, but now, having faced a genuine Twinkipocalypse, we understand Woody Harrelson’s character better than ever before. Thank God the cure is almost here.

2. Detective John McClane and Sgt. Al Powell, Die Hard

Courtesy of Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation

In addition to being used to bust ghosts and kill zombies, the Twinkie was also featured in what is arguably the greatest action film of all time: Die Hard. The Twinkie played an integral role in taking down the terrorists in the movie by supplying precious fuel to the two most badass cops of all time: John McClane and Al Powell. In the latter’s introductory scene, he is seen buying dozens of Twinkies at a gas station, while later in the movie, McClane chows down on a thousand-year-old Twinkie between gunfights. What, you think those guys could have gotten through that long, hard night of, respectively, shooting bad guys and talking reassuringly into a radio, without small, yellow snack cakes sustaining their bodies? We think not.

1. Genghis Khan, Bill And Ted’s Excellent Adventure

Courtesy of Orion Pictures Corporation

The ruthless Genghis Khan was perhaps the greatest warrior of all time. He created one of the largest empires in history, slaughtering tribes, burning villages, littering, and doing other kinda socially unacceptable stuff. And how did this man have such strength and energy? The Twinkie. Now, according to Wikipedia, the Twinkie was created in 1930, while Genghis Khan died in 1227, but Wikipedia is notoriously unreliable, and we got this information from a much more credible source: Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure. There is no way that classic film could have gotten made if it wasn’t extensively researched beforehand. Right? Anyway, in the movie, Bill and Ted lure Genghis Khan into their time traveling phone booth with a Twinkie, and he soon falls in love with the delicious snack cakes due to their “excellent sugar rush.” Napoleon should’ve taken a few notes.

Check out our Twinkie freak out and some awesome donut history