5 Video Games Where You Get To Murder Hitler
We’re pretty sure this one requires no further explanation.
At the risk of sounding libelous, we here at Maxim are pretty comfortable saying that Hitler was history’s biggest asshole. How big of an asshole, you ask? Picture goatse, but bigger, and with a stupid little mustache. (You didn’t actually picture that, did you? You did? Oh, gross.) So it makes perfect sense that at least a few video game designers got together and said, “Hey, maybe let’s make a game where you murder Hitler. That sounds like a laugh.” And what a laugh it is! Today we’ll show you our favorite virtual ass-stompings of Hitler, showcasing the futuristically weird to the utterly brutal and everything in between.
We feel you, Video Game Guy. When you read the headline, you were like “WOLFENSTEIN! Duh!” So, let’s get it out of the way right now. To catch everyone up, Wolfenstein 3D was the first 3D shooter, meaning that it grandfathered all those delightful army games that you play online with children that call your mother a fat hooker. (In her defense, she has lost a few pounds.) At the end of episode 3, you battle Adolf himself, first as an apparition of dark magic, then in a brutal mech-suit. When you beat him, your bullets actually melt him into goo, because SCIENCE!
Sniper Elite V2
Sniper Elite V2 puts you in the role of a World War II sniper tasked with, well, y’know, sniping. The Assassinate the Führer DLC allows you to track down Hitler and put a bullet between his eyes. Actually, it goes one step further: You can put a bullet between pretty much anywhere, and then see an anatomically specific animation. Let us stop you right there: Yes, you can absolutely shoot him in his old, racist balls, and watch them explode. That’s a thing you didn’t even know you wanted to see, and yet, here it is, right here.
Bionic Commando sounds like something we wrote when we were drunk and/or 12. Quick summary: Armed with a grappling hook, protagonist Ladd Spencer must rescue Super Joe from Generalissimo Killt. Only thing is, the original name for the game was – seriously – Hitler no Fukkatsu: Top Secret, which roughly translates to “The Resurrection of Hitler: Top Secret.” As you might imagine, this was a problem. They changed up the US version to be less Nazi-ish, but they left in the boss’ death scene, where “Master-D” (pfft) gets his head exploded by a bazooka. Enjoy!
Golgo-13: Top Secret
Technically speaking, the final boss of Golgo-13: Top Secret isn’t really Hitler. His name is Smirk, and he’s just a robot version of Hitler. And we don’t know about you, but the idea of Terminator with Hitler skin is just about the third most pants-shittingest thing we can think of (after 1. flying spiders and 2. dying alone). Anyway, here’s a video of a vaguely handsome man shooting Hitler’s brain. Graphics have, uh, come a long way since then.
Persona 2: Innocent Sin
Hm. Never heard of Persona 2: Innocent Sin before. Let’s check in with the ol’ Wikipedia to see what it’s all about:
“In Caracol, the party battles Joker, who is having a standoff with Hitler and the remaining Longinus. Hitler kills Queen Aquarius, who turns out to be Junko Kurosu, an idol and Jun’s mother.”
Hooo-kayyy. Tell you what, let’s jump right to the battle. Now, in the above video, you can see the uncensored Japanese version. In the American version, Hitler wore a “disguise” (sunglasses) and he went by the name “Führer,” which is as effective as Mr. Burns donning a moustache and going by “Mr. Snrub.”
BONUS ENTRY: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
This one is a cheat, because you don’t get to kill Hitler. In the movie version of Last Crusade, Indy finds himself face to face with Hitler. Rising tension, right gang? But, he just signs an autograph and moves on. Sigh of relief from the audience. But in the game version, you can punch Hitler right in his stupid face. It results in the death of Indiana Jones (and thereby ensures the Third Reich will find the Grail and rule the world.) But Hitler still gets coldcocked. And in the end, isn’t that what it’s all about?