5 Zingers from the “Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt. 2” Reviews

As if you needed another reason to not see this movie.

As if you needed another reason to not see this movie.

Photo Courtesy of Summit Entertainment

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 officially hits theaters today, and, like us, you probably skipped the first four movies to do something—anything—else. These hilarious one-liners from the critical reviews of the new “film” should make you feel validated in skipping this one, too. And just so you don’t get lost in the references, here’s a simple key to who’s who. It took us all afternoon to figure this out:

Bella: The main girl.

Edward: The main guy.

Renesmee: The main guy and the main girl’s weird half-vampire/half-human child-creature thing.

Got it? Okay, now on to what the critics are saying.

We are all Renesmee Cullen.” –Huffington Post(Note that the writer doesn’t seem to be kidding, which is, in itself, fucking hilarious).

“To give ‘BD2’ its due, it is the best of the bunch and will be much loved by Twihards, which should by no means be mistaken for praise.” –LA Times

“The depiction of little Renesmee is rather curious. I learn that special effects were modeled on the actress to age her, and sometimes she looks a little curious to me. Also to her grandfather, Charlie Swan (Billy Burke), who observes, ‘My, how you’ve grown! You must be six inches taller!’ And so she seems, although by my reckoning, it happened between Thanksgiving and Christmas. A human child like that, you take to see a specialist.” –Roger Ebert

“As half-human, half-vampire, and conceived while Bella was still breathing, Renesmee turns out to be an instant problem child. Not only does she look as creepy as the baby Brad Pitt in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, she’s sprouting as fast as a magical beanstalk…” – NY Times

If anything, this series has gotten dumber and more inert as it has progressed, with this last one finally reaching over into an extended wallow in camp. Forget the multiple, cascading and intertangling plotlines of the Harry Potter series; Breaking Dawn struggles to keep even just one ball in the air.” – NY Mag

Twilight, Lincoln, and Silver LIngings Playbook, rated by dogs.

I only read Maxim for the girls.