Tomorrow's imminent release of Jurassic World marks the continuation of a franchise riddled with spectacle, action, and indefensible human error. Who knows what will happen in this next installment? Maybe the dinosaurs will break free and start killing everyone. Maybe they’ll stay in their cages and the rest of the movie will feature smug investors praising Jurassic Park’s surprisingly stable business model. But just in case the former wins out, here we celebrate all of the idiotic mistakes from movies past that you can expect park-goers to make yet again.
Running away screaming.
Admittedly anyone’s gut reaction when approached by a prehistoric killing machine is to run away, but in these movies no one can ever grasp that if you don’t want to get eaten, just sit still. We learn early in the first film a T-Rex’s vision is based on movement. But humans never listen to logic. In one of the most brutal on-screen deaths, the blood sucking lawyer sprints from the safety of his Jeep into a nearby bathroom, before promptly getting swallowed. Also on that note, never hide in a bathroom stall this is a T-Rex you’re running from, not a group of mean middle school girls.
Underestimating a small dino.
Starting with that brat in the first movie who described a Raptor as “a giant turkey,” these movies are for some reason chock full of people who don’t fear dinosaurs. For instance, the scene in the first film where that spitting dino eats Seinfeld's neighbor (Sorry—accomplished actor Wayne Knight). Instead of immediately running in the other direction the second he saw it, he tried to make it play fetch. Now he’s dead. Classic Newman. The Lost World starts with a little girl trying to feed those snappy chihuahua-sized dinosaurs when things quickly turn ugly. We don’t care if it’s purple and teaching your children to read, all dinosaurs are genetically programmed for murder.
Stealing the dinosaur’s babies
This happens a surprising amount of times in the Jurassic Park franchise. For some reason people consistently think it’s a good idea to abduct a dinosaur’s spawn. If this doesn’t get you killed directly, you’re definitely dooming all your travel companions. In the second film, pre-funny Vince Vaughn steals a baby T-Rex to try to nurse it back to health, because apparently his character never saw the first film. At the end of Jurassic Park III it’s revealed that one guy had been holding Raptor eggs on him the ENTIRE FREAKIN’ TIME. He wasn’t even a villain, just an asshole.
Going outside to troubleshoot a problem.
These movies always have some scene where the protagonists have to get to some building on the other side of the island to call for help or flick some switch. While we appreciate the FengShui aspect of keeping the circuit breaker away from everything in some secluded shed, that may not be the best location considering this is a place that might get overrun by dinosaurs. This weekend, don't be surprised when Chris Pratt shouts, "We have to reset the wifi router! It's right across the field next to those sleeping Raptors!" Our advice? Find a safe place and park your ass until the credits roll.
Exhibiting a cartoonish level of greed.
This is a big one. The whole Jurassic Park series is in some sense a warning about greed (See: every line in the first movie). The only reason Jurassic Park didn’t work in the first place was because Newman (dammit, we did it again) tried to steal those embryos to make a quick buck. In the second movie, there’s a snooty British guy who thinks he owns the dinosaurs before quickly becoming one of their meals. Point is, if you ever find yourself in Jurassic Park, and you notice you’re wearing a fancy suit and Jeff Goldblum is yelling at you about hubris, get ready to become dinosaur poop.
Trying to build a park with f*cking dinosaurs.
THIS. When Maxim moves to the next logical phase all magazines aspire to—exotic animal theme park—we’re only going to have one rule: NO DINOSAURS. Seriously, the tagline for Jurassic Park 4 might as well be “what are the odds this will go wrong four times???”. No matter how cool the idea seems, it will always end in carnage. That's as true for resurrecting dinosaurs as it is for Google+. Hopefully they learn their lesson in Jurassic World, although, who wouldn't watch a sequel where they push the boundaries of science one last time by giving the T-Rex chainsaws for arms?