Who needs Crunch when you've got Siberian tundra at your disposal? Rocky IV tries to convince us that pulling plows and doing reverse pull-ups in a barn built during the reign of Czar Nicholas II is the perfect way to pump up for a pro bout. We shoveled the snow off our front stoop once.
Remember all the time you spent as a kid pretending to be a ninja, wondering what training you'd have to undergo to be the real thing? Turns out all you needed was 'shrooms and some dudes to hit you with sticks. "Billionaire becomes Batman overnight" we can buy. "Billionaire becomes ninja via ice dancing?" Neh.
We always marveled at Jean-Claude Van Damme's ability to do splits (though not as much as he himself marvels at it), but we didn't realize it took Guantanamo-level torture to learn it. You sure you can't take kickboxing classes? Maybe some stretch-oriented gymnastics? Or do you really need the Iron Chef to crucify your nut sack?
Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins
Mastering the mystic art of Sinanju requires that you have patience, that you have strength, and that you be at least this tall to ride the Wonder Wheel. Let us get this straight: We can be unkillable fighting machines with little more than a Six Flags day pass? Is it any wonder Remo's adventure began and ended in the same movie?
Elektra's sandbag training works, so long as you can perfectly choreograph your enemies' attacks. "OK, Thug No. 1, you drop three inches to my left. You two, step in front of me in three, two… Perfect! C'mon people, feel that Evanescence beat and work with me!" This is Dancing With the Stars practice, not the deadly art of an assassin.
Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
Actually, this one kinda works. Try it at home.
Going to the gym once a month and expecting to get ripped is no more ridiculous than the training regimes suggested by these movies. Grab your water bottle, sandbags, passport, and power tools, and let's do this!