6 Movies That Are Giving Us Blue Balls
Seriously, how long do we have to wait for Jurassic Park 4?
Listen up, Hollywood. When it comes to movies we’re excited about, we can only put up with so many delays before we start getting upset. Whether it be a nervous studio, heavy script rewrites, or actors checking into rehab, sometimes you just need to get your shit together and make the movie. In that spirit, here are six films that are starting to give us the ol’ blockbuster blue-balls.
Jurassic Park 4
(Photo Courtesy of Universal Pictures)
Currently slated for 2015, Jurassic World has been in the works for about 12 years now. But just like Jeff Goldblum said so seductively in the original film, this movie will find a way. The initial rumors were started by Spielberg in 2002, yet the project has suffered serious script problems since – for example one rumor actually involved genetically modified, gun-wielding human-dino hybrids (and we wish we were making that up). Yet to everyone’s surprise, Spielberg officially announced that a film was in the works during a 2011 Comic Con event. So where is it? Well, while the movie hasn’t exactly started shooting, Ron Howard recently tweeted that confirmed “actual human being” Chris Pratt has been hired to act in “next Juraissic [sic].” A pretty huge, albeit horribly misspelled leak. So while we’re completely losing patience at this point, we’re still willing to bet that sometime in the next 10 years you’ll all be riding your rocket cars to the local holo-scope where a little film called Jurassic World will be beamed into your brains.
Space Jam 2 – Starring LeBron James
(Photo: Warner Bros./ Everett Collection | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014)
This movie, while not currently in any form of production, has been rumored for well over a year. Basically, during a 2012 Twitter Q&A, LeBron James stated, “Wish I could do Space Jam 2!“ to which every idiot on Twitter said, “get Bugs Bunny on the phone!” before finding out what “cartoon” means. Anyway, the sequel went from hope to rumor when this poster went viral. But just like most things on Twitter, it turned out be meaningless garbage when it was revealed the poster was a fake. Even so, all the buzz could have given birth to a Space Jam sequel that seemingly everyone wanted to see, until an executive at Warner Brothers decided they hated money and made The Incredible Burt Wonderstone instead. But don’t worry, so long as LeBron James remains a deeply beloved sportsman, there is still hope that the film could happen. In other words, “That’s all, folks.”
(Photo: Michael Yarish / Everett Collection | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014)
Talk about a movie in “development” hell. (Sorry. So, so sorry.) The notion of an A.D. movie was born way back in 2006, when the last lines of the series finale were, “I don’t see it as a series…maybe a movie.” Well, it’s been almost a decade and an Arrested Development movie is still only a twinkle in creator Mitch Hurwitz’s eye. On the bright side, there is still legitimate hope for an Arrested feature, considering Netflix recently breathed new life into the franchise by producing a fourth season, and only a few months ago Hurwitz announced he is actively planning a film. Although, fair warning, while that may seem official, without that important green light an Arrested Development movie is no more real than your erotic Avengers fan fiction. Luckily Arrested Development fans are almost as patient as they are rabid; we’d just assume they’d rather see a film sometime before Michael Cera’s hairline recedes.
(Photo: Columbia/ Everett Collection | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2014)
Is Harold Ramis alive? Definitely. What about Billy Murray? Hell yes. Is Dan Aykroyd still around? 100 percent. Ernie Hudson? Actually, we’re not sure about that one. But either way, there is no reason why there shouldn’t be a Ghostbusters 3. Comedy or not, great sci-fi movies always come in trilogies, and fans are definitely open (read: hounding for) to a third Ghostbusters installment. And we’re not the only ones who think so, because Dan Aykroyd has been writing this movie since the ’90s. Unfortunately it’s run into a laundry list of obstacles ranging from studio hesitations to endless script rewrites. It also doesn’t help that Bill Murray is notoriously hard to lock down (it’s rumored he doesn’t even have an agent, you just have to sit in a public space and wait for him to come up behind you). All these problems aside, the Ghostbusters franchise is adored by a generation of young adults who wouldn’t think twice before throwing their sweet expendable income at a sequel, so don’t worry – this movie isn’t…a ghost? Busted? Whatever, we exhausted all of our creativity on that Arrested Development pun.
It’s pretty much assumed that a video-game franchise as old and successful as Halo would have some kind of movie adaptation by now. Because while we’re not movie executives, something tells us people who spend months of their lives playing a video game would be more than willing to spend an hour and a half watching a movie set in the same universe. But like a diehard gamer trying to move out of their mother’s basement, the process has been complicated. The Halo movie has endured a decade of successes and disappointments, including a period where Peter Jackson was at the helm, only to leave after his conversations with franchise owner Microsoft hit a blue screen of death. Very recently, however, the already jacked-up-on-energy-drink gamersphere has gotten all excited again when something called Production Weekly tweeted that the movie is not only happening, but that Ridley Scott is attached. Unfortunately, Microsoft went into full buzzkill mode, quickly responding that there are currently no plans for a Halo film, and also that Santa Claus doesn’t exist, and one day all of our dogs are going to die.
While less popular (and handsome) than his Marvel peers like Captain America or Spiderman, the wisecracking Deadpool undoubtedly has a huge following of his own. That’s because he’s badass, has a unique origin story, and constantly breaks the fourth wall in hilarious ways. Deadpool was already adapted for the big screen – portrayed by Ryan Reynolds in X-Men: Origins: Wolverine (the first of two Wolverine movies that nobody asked for, including Hugh Jackman). Unsurprisingly, comic book fans were less than satisfied with the movie’s depiction of the beloved character. Even less surprising is that Fox is apparently hesitant to get behind a movie whose protagonist is a psychopathic tumor-covered asshole. Nevertheless, scripts have been written, test footage may or may not have been shot, and the movie is…happening? Well, according to Ryan Reynolds the movie is “alive and kicking, and then it’s dead as a doornail. Then it’s alive and kicking and then it’s dead…it’s like the worst relationship I’ve ever had!” Keep in mind this is coming from a man who’s dated Alanis Morissette, so…
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