7 Women Who Could Kick Our Ass
It’s never OK to hit a girl, especially when they can hit back.
It’s never OK to hit a girl, especially when they can hit back.
Ronda Rousey
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The number-one ranked pound-for-pound female MMA fighter in the world first came to our attention as a member of the US Olympic Judo Team with a combination of stunning looks and stunning-er lethality. But as the undefeated Strikeforce champ at both featherweight and bantamweight, Rousey leaves us perplexed: while we’d love to take her out for dinner, she may just eat us alive. Hell, she’s already destroyed Maxim staffers, while wearing a short skirt and heels.
How she’d kick our ass: Any way she wants.
Serena Williams
Photo: Cynthia Lum / Icon SMI / Retna Ltd. | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
Anyone who’s watched the younger Williams sister punish a generation of lithe Eastern European tennis players knows she’s one of the greatest female athletes ever, like Bo Jackson or Jim Brown with smoother legs. But while she’s scary ferocious on the court, Serena seems super sweet off of it, which may explain all the football player and rapper boyfriends (almost all of whom terrify us).
How she’d kick our ass: A 130 mph serve to the forehead, then crushing our skull between her glutes.
Gina Carano
Photo: Relativity Media | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
The former MMA fighter is not only lethal, but seriously hot. At 5’8”, 143, she looks as good in lingerie as in the Octagon, but the beatdowns she inflicted in Strikeforce prove she’s not just a pretty face. On the other hand, her spot at #16 in Maxim’s Hot 100 a few year’s back and her killer performance in Steven Soderbergh’s Haywire prove she’s also more than just a pair of fists.
How she’d kick our ass: False seduction, followed by an armbar submission, followed by an audible SNAP, followed by an audible yelp, followed by an ambulance siren, followed by our near inaudible whimper, “Worth…it… .”
Felicia “Snoop” Pearson
Photo: HBO | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
If you found her performance convincing as the cold-blooded killer of the same name on The Wire, don’t be surprised. The real Snoop was born a crack baby, and opted for an adolescence of drug dealing rather than, you know, school. Convicted of second-degree murder at age 14, she ultimately met The Wire’s Michael K. Williams (AKA “Omar Little”) in a Baltimore club, and scored her part on the series. Read more about the history of The Wire in our exclusive interrogation with the cast and crew.
How she’d kick our ass: Nail gun to the back of the head.
Laila Ali
Photo: Don Emmert / AFP / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
As the daughter of the greatest heavyweight champ in history (that’s Muhammad, numbnuts), Ali put women’s boxing on the map as an undefeated super middleweight champ. She’s also demonstrated her dad’s deft footwork as a Dancing With The Stars contestant, and his charisma as host of American Gladiators.
How she’d kick our ass: Wear us down with rope-a-dope, followed by a knockout right cross to the chin, and then loom over our prone carcass, glaring.
Holley Mangold
Photo: Jamie Sabau / Getty Images | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
The sister of Jet’s All-Pro center (and Maxim buddy) Nick Mangold is strong. Seriously fucking strong. At 5’8“, 350 lbs (Nick is 6’4”, 307), she played high school football, survived a car crash by “pushing the steering wheel away from her body as the crash occurred, leaving the steering wheel broken and crumpled,” and made the U.S. Olympic team as a superheavyweight powerlifter.
How she’d kick our ass: Dropping a 525 lb. barbell (that’s what she squats) on our pelvis, hospitalizing us for months.
Zoe Bell
Photo: Dimension Films | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012
As Hollywood’s preeminent stuntwoman, Bell has parlayed her expertise in martial arts and gymnastics into a career on the big screen. Though you may not recognize her, the New Zealand native was Lucy Lawless’ stunt double on Xena: Warrior Princess, and Uma Thurman’s in Kill Bill. The latter performance so impressed director Quentin Tarantino that he cast her as herself in Death Proof.
How she’d kick our ass: The five point palm-exploding heart technique, obviously. Or she’d dare us to do a stunt and let our own fear ruin our slacks.
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