8 New Shows That Will Get Canceled Before We Finish Writing This Feature

The new shows that just don’t stand a chance.

Faster than you can say, “The Hasselhoffs is a good show if you give it a chance” all those new TV shows networks are wasting commercial time promoting will die a sudden death. Despite fan feedback, letter writing campaigns and use of your birthday and Christmas wishes, a show’s fate is out of your hands. Why even watch TV anymore!? And judging by the crop of this year’s mid-season replacements, you should just go ahead and sell your TV to buy more Internet right now.

Prepare yourself for disappointment; here are the shows that will probably get the ax before we finish typing this senten….

  1. Work It

Who’s In It: Ben Koldyke, Amaury Nolsaco

Why It Won’t Last: Cross-dressing sitcoms helped launch the career of Academy Award Winner Tom Hanks and Academy Award watcher Peter Scolari, but the jokes in this latest take on drag comedies are as forced as the word “drawbridge” is in this sentence. And what sort of a workplace would only hire women? Better question: What sort of person can’t tell that these are men? Best question: What’s the best way to get eye blood off a remote control?

  1. Awake

Who’s In It: Jason Isaacs, Dylan Minnette

Why It Won’t Last: The premise seems like a room of 12-year-old girl chose to write about their most boring dreams. In this supernatural cop show, a police detective’s mind is split into two realities after a car accident. Nice idea, but we liked it better the first time we saw it – when it was called According to Jim.

  1. The Firm

Who’s In It: Josh Lucas, Molly Parker, Juliette Lewis

Why It Won’t Last: While leaving the theater after just watching Tom Cruise and Gene Hackman in The Firm, most people said, “Damn! I want to know what happens 10 year later, and with a lower budget!” This show is the answer. If they’re trying to lure fans of 1993 culture, then the desperate producers and writers may toss in scenes such as…

MITCH: Boy, working for this firm is stressful and packed with tension.

ABBY: And we’ve lost power in Jurassic Park!

MRS. DOUBTFIRE: I’m here too!

  1. Rob!

Who’s On It: Rob Schneider, Cheech Marin, Claudia Bassols

Why It Won’t Last: Rob Schneider is making his return to television in this show about a guy who marries into an eccentric Mexican family. You stopped reading after the first eight words of that sentence, didn’t you? Well done. 

  1. The Finder

Who’s In It: Geoff Stults, Michael Clark Duncan

Why It Won’t Last: He’s good at finding? That’s not a power worthy of its own hour-long drama. That’s just being observant. If finders are getting their own show, it opens the flood gates for new shows about talented crossword enthusiasts, bird watchers, amateur astronomers, bird watchers who aren’t even that good at it, and those who have a remarkable sense of balance.  

  1. Are You There, Chelsea?

Who’s In It: Chelsea Handler, Laura Prepon

Why It Won’t Last: We don’t watch our grandmother’s late night show, so why we would watch her in prime time?  

  1. House of Lies

Who’s In It: Don Cheadle, Kristen Bell, Ben Schwartz

Why It Won’t Last: It’s probably good and interesting and it has Dawn Olivieri who stripped down for our cameras. That means it will fall off the TV screen to make room for Origami with the Stars (Weight Loss Edition).

  1. A Gifted Man

Who’s On It: Patrick Wilson, Jennifer Ehle, Julie Benz

Why It Won’t Last: Dead wives are only fun in a zombie movie or a punch line. When placed in a snoozy drama about healthcare and good-looking people, the gimmick falls flat. A Gifted Man may hang on for a few more episodes, but will die quietly. And then it will come back to life as ghost to guide other ridiculous shows that your aunt probably enjoys. If only the ghost of A Gifted Man were there to guide The Event.