8 Reasons Why Jim Norton Is Pissed

If you’re offended, then he’s happy.

If you’re offended, then he’s happy.

Photo Courtesy of Epix | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Comedian Jim Norton has a busy schedule, when not on The Opie and Anthony Show, performing stand-up or appearing in Tonight Show segments he’s enjoying the perks of sleep apnea. His new special, Please Be Offended, airs this weekend on Epix. So why is he so angry?

1. Lack of Sleep

Jim Norton: I’m a terrible sleeper. I got a sleep apnea machine recently and now even the women I do get to go home with me don’t want to fuck a guy with an apnea machine on his face. I have sludge in my brain. I’m sluggish all the time. I hate it. Caffeine doesn’t work after a while. The first cup in the morning feels good. But after that, drinking it is just maintenance so I don’t completely pass out.

2. People Talking

People walk out of my show. Oh God, yeah. And I don’t mind if they walk out as long they don’t feel the need to tell me why they’re leaving. Because I don’t care. Just go. I have a love/hate relationship with the audience. I don’t mind if someone is not enjoying a joke, but if they’re offended by it, I just want to throw hot coffee on them. It’s like these assholes who attack Don Rickles because he made a racial joke about Obama. Like that should be taboo. Why should that be off limits? Why?

3. Tweeting at Twits

On Twitter [@JimNorton] I get to be aggressive about things I don’t like. I like to attack things. It’s nice to bash things publicly that you hate, like special interest groups or people who are blogging about something that is upsetting.

4. Everyday Annoyances

The first thing that irritated me today was on The Opie and Anthony Show. We have an intern who has webbed toes and we wanted to give him a papercut between his webbed toes. And our boss said we couldn’t do it. That was the first thing that really bothered me this morning.

Photo Courtesy of Epix | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

5. His Mom

My mother should be punished. It’s her vagina that produced this mess you’re talking to.

6. His Own Special

I hate watching myself. I’ve been doing so much preparation for the specia and now I’m just worried that people will think it stinks. I hate it by this point.

7. Regrets? He Has a Few. Well Two. Kind Of.

I’ve written things that I regretted. I regret attacking Steve Martin in my book, I Hate Your Guts. I actually wrote him a letter and apologized. I was just way too harsh. [Norton attacked Martin for butchering the role of Inspector Clouseau and making the horrible Pink Panther movies.]  I kind of regretted the way I attacked Hillary Clinton in my book. I was too mean. But I’m not apologetic. It just didn’t necessarily represent the way I felt. I’ll never regret brutally attacking Al Sharpton.

8. People’s Misconceptions. He’s Not A Bad Guy After All

The nicest thing I ever said on stage? Probably, “How about a hand for her – I hear she has a big clit.” I really am a softy when it comes to large genitals on women.

Jim Norton’s Please Be Offended airs Saturday at 10pm on Epix. Also, follow @JimNorton on Twitter. He could use some company.