Adam Carolla’s Death Wishes

Guy’s guy and The Celebrity Apprentice contestant Adam Carolla has A podcast, a memoir, a brand-new app…and one last day.

Guy’s guy and The Celebrity Apprentice contestant Adam Carolla has a podcast, a memoir, a brand-new app…and one last day.

Illustrated for Maxim by Masa | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

So how do you want to go?

Tandem-parachute accident with Kate Hudson. I’ll be strapped to her, and you’ll never be subjected to another terrible Kate Hudson rom-com again.

Will you be going to heaven or hell, and why?

Heaven wouldn’t have me, but hell’s afraid I’d take over. Ha-ha-ha. I know that sounded lame, but picture Sam Elliott saying that.

Do you have any deathbed confessions?

I was the one who started that rumor about Richard Gere and the gerbil.

What’s the manliest thing you did while you were alive?

Being a loving father to my two twins. Just kidding. One time I ate three feet of a six-foot sub.The least manly thing I ever did was go on Dancing With the Stars.

Are there girls bouncing on trampolines in heaven?

Hell, yes.

Which Celebrity Apprentice cast member would you most hate to be stuck with for all of eternity?

Clay Aiken. He’s such a nice guy and one hell of a singer. If we were together for eternity, eventually I’d go gay for him.

Are there any troubling viewer/listener call-ins from Loveline that still haunt you to your grave?

Interestingly enough, speaking of graves, the creepiest call we ever had was a guy who wondered why women were turned off when he told them he’d done time for stealing a human head from a mausoleum to put in his snake’s terrarium.

As host of The Car Show, what are you driving into the afterlife?

Pontiac Aztek minivan. I’m just being honest.

Do you have any vices?

I collect bench vises. I can’t stop.

You hold the world record for “most downloaded podcast.” Any other records you’d like to achieve before your death?

I wouldn’t like to be the record holder per se, but I would like to participate in the world’s largest gangbang. But only if I can go first and wear a gorilla mask. Perhaps I’ve said too much…

What woman did you always want to sleep with?

Scarlett JoAniston. Listen, as long as we’re going to be fantasizing, why can’t we combine two beautiful women?

Was there anyone on Earth you wanted to punch in the face?

The guy who came up with this ridiculous survey.

What would your last words be to Donald Trump?

“The people from the Make-A-Wish Foundation assured me that it would be OK to have sex with your daughter.”