Adam McKay’s Five NFL Rule Changes

The Step Brothers director offers suggestions to make the 2008 season even more awesome!

Rule 1
Extend the bump-and-run contact zone from the first five yards off the line of scrimmage to one week prior to the game. Picture Randy Moss eating cereal before practice, when suddenly Charles Woodson jumps out from behind the kitchen counter, horse-collars him, and then runs out the back door. That’s what football was meant to be. Or maybe Marvin Harrison is up on a ladder cleaning his gutters when Champ Bailey comes sailing in on a hang glider with a shovel…Whack! Admittedly, that’s not even close to football, but come on! Just during the preseason?

Rule 2
One game a year they go shirts and skins and play with a Nerf football in a cul-de-sac. Imagine Brian Westbrook running an end around in a Get Smart T-shirt and getting clipped by the fender of a Chevy Malibu. Or the expression on Dwight Freeney’s face when his mom calls him to dinner.

Rule 3
For one quarter let a dozen pheasants loose on the field. I admit I’m not sure if that helps the game, but fuck it, let’s not overthink this one.

Rule 4
Change the Redskins name, for crying out loud. OK, I’m getting 20 percent serious here for a second. Did you know that the term “redskin” came from when it was legal to kill Native Americans and the U.S. government paid for their scalps, or…wait for it…redskins? So basically we have a pro sports team named after the bloody skin and hair from a murdered person. That’s demented, serial-killer shit. Can you imagine if the Bears were called the Chicago Gacy’s Basements? Or if a team were called the L.A. Squeaky Frommes? If people had beef with “Devil Rays,” how are they not flipping out over this name?

Rule 5
NFL Sunday Ticket should offer multiple announcers on different channels. So if the Jets are playing the Chiefs, you can see it with Madden or Fouts or whomever. But if you change the channel you’ll get Noam Chomsky and Flavor Flav. Flip to the next channel and it’s Heidi from The Hills and HBO boxing announcer Larry Merchant.