Pro Golfer Andrew ‘Beef’ Johnson Hilariously Nails the 6 Stages of Drunkenness

You’ve got to read this.

Andrew Johnson [Golf Digest]

Andrew Johnson [Golf Digest]
[Photo: Golf Digest]

With a nickname like “Beef,” it should come as no surprise that one of the PGA tour’s most colorful characters, British golfer Andrew Johnson, knows a thing or two about having a good time.

In an piece to accompany the goofy-ass cover photo of Johnson on the new Golf Digest, he outlines with hilarious accuracy what he calls the six stages of drunkenness.

“The stages of drinking are as follows. First there is Relaxed and Social—think, normal people filling the bar at 6 p.m.

Second stage is Let’s Have One More. This is where the quality of your mates is established and you want more of a good time.

Third comes Where Are We Going Next? That’s when the mysteries of the night begin calling.”

“Fourth up: Hammered. It’s a full-on party, even when you aren’t really celebrating anything”

Fifth: The Really Drunk Guy. You start sentences with, “I’m being completely serious.” This can be bad news.  

“The sixth stage, the last and worst, is The Journey Home. Here you’re tired, have advanced feelings of regret and just want to get to your bed.”  

So true. At that final stage of intoxication, what should be an exceedingly simple task of just getting back home has turned into what feels like the plot of a Mission Impossible movie, definitely deserving of its own epic title, “The Journey Home.” 

Next to John Daly, Johnson might be the golfer we’d like to hit the town with most. Cheers, mate!