The Archer Interrogation

We enter the Danger Zone to go tet a tet with the one and only Duchess, Sterling Mallory Archer.

placeholder caption

The life of a spy is full of secrets and clandestine missions but why be the world’s greatest secret agent if you can’t tell your friends and soon-to-be lovers? We enter the Danger Zone to go tet a tet with the one and only Duchess, Sterling Mallory Archer.

placeholder caption

You, James Bond and Pussy Galore go into a room, who comes out?

James who?

We’ve heard you always keep a cucumber in your house. We respect that. Any other staples that, if Woodhouse forgot to restock, would get his clothes tossed off a balcony?

Lemon curd, lemur food, and heroin (for Woodhouse; otherwise he’s worthless).

It’s estimated that 1 in 15 people in the US wind up with a brain aneurysm. Do you have any personal strategy to avoid them?

Who, all those idiots getting brain aneurysms?

We tried stuffing pool balls in our intern’s mouth and got up to three (only two broken teeth!). Any tips for us after watching Pam fit four?

Maybe try a bigger intern?

Are you intimidated by Cyril’s manhood?

I assume that’s magazinese for “penis.” And no.

Your possible-father, Nikolai Jakov, has a boat called the Chumguzzler. What’s your boat’s name?

If I had a boat, it would be The Fandango. Because it would be an airboat. Ooh, or maybe Swamp Thang…

Where is the best place to get a black and a slightly darker black turtleneck?

I don’t feel comfortable revealing where I have the actual garments woven, but for the cashmere itself, Azerbaijan. (Obviously.)

We’re pissed that spies in movies are being played by increasingly less manly actors. How do we get Hollywood to fix this?

Cloning. Surely some of Steve McQueen’s DNA is lying around somewhere.

Marry Fuck Kill: Pam, Cheryl, Scatterbrain Jane. Go.

I guess that same order. Especially if this was 1870, because I bet Pam would make a pretty good frontier wife. Wait, when was the frontier?

Burt Reynolds once co-owned a Football team and a NASCAR car, which professional sports team would you buy?

For too many reasons to count, the Las Vegas Sin. Nikki Johnson’s stats look fantastic.

We’ve been trying to siphon funds out of Maxim’s operations account with little success, what are we doing wrong?

I can look into this. Just text me your corporate credit card number.

Who gave you the codename Duchess? Not that there’s anything wrong with that…but if you could pick a codename for yourself, what would it be?

Duchess was Mother’s bright idea. If it were up to me, my codename would be Mjölnir.

Which Republican Presidential Candidate would get ISIS’s support? Please don’t say Ron Paul.

I don’t vote (long story) but if I did, I would write-in Pat Paulsen. As should every single one of your readers.

Do you have an AJTTOTD that we can share with our readers?

Don’t pick at it.

If a team of Bionic Barrys took on a team of Krieger-cloned Archers in Lacrosse, who wins?

The viewing public. And the Archeroids.

Have you felt the pinch of the recession? How are you saving money in these tough times?


Our girlfriends are getting especially bitchy this season. We’re thinking about bailing. What are essential items for a bugout bag?

Several passports, Walther PPK with 1000 rounds of HP ammunition, week’s supply of protein bars, water purification tablets, and $100,000 in gold coins. Oh, and a fake mustache.

Could you put in a good word for us with Cheryl? We have really strong hands.

Yeah, I bet you do.

Watch the season premiere of Archer on Thursday Jan 19 at 10pm only on FX

Sterling Archer is now the author of the definitive handbook detailing how you, too, can be a killer secret agent. HOW TO ARCHER is Sterling Archer’s gift to the world, in which he reveals his secrets on how to dress properly, drive an elephant, haggle with a Thai prostitute in her native tongue, pilot an airboat and make about a million delicious cocktails, including a Molotov one. Buy your copy now, available wherever books are sold.