Archer’s Deadliest Conquests

Heading into an entirely different kind of Danger Zone. In the bedroom.

John Sciarrino

Jan 9, 2014

When you’re the world’s greatest spy (and announce that fact out loud and often), you can expect danger to seep into every area of your life – especially the bedroom. As we eagerly anticipate marathoning Archer’s fourth season on Blu-ray, we can’t help but go back and reminisce about all the deadly, dirty deeds of Sterling Archer and his ISIS colleagues.

Archer and Pam

Between her insane back tat, penchant for underground fight clubs, inhuman tolerance for all things contraband, and the sheer amount of pool balls she can fit in her mouth, Pam Poovey is not a woman with whom you trifle. We weren’t surprised to find out that she also happened to be the best sex of Archer’s extensive sex life, though he seemed surprised to find her dumping out in his bathroom the next morning.

Archer and Framboise

Plowing Barry’s fiancée was bad. Loudly and proudly proclaiming said fiancée to be the “Pele of Anal” was probably crossing a line. Probably. Archer’s tryst with Framboise was ground zero for a series of events that would eventually lead to Archer’s own fiancée being murdered…in front of his eyes…at their wedding. In terms of danger, Archer’s banging Framboise would be rated just below raw-dogging with a Swazi hooker.

Cyril and Cheryl

It’s universally accepted that there is nothing deadly about Cyril Figgis. So where do we get off putting his sexcapades on this list? Only due to the little fact that he was cheating on Lana Kane by doing the dirty deed with the office bicycle. And when Lana – AKA Shirley Temper – found out and got her Truckosaurus hands on him, well, let’s just say we can’t believe Cyril is still around for season five.

Cheryl and Chokebot

This probably should have been labeled as Cheryl and Krieger, but the truth of the matter is that Cheryl was infinitely more turned on by the cold steel of Chokebot gripping the life out of her than anything Krieger was doing downstairs. Autoerotic asphyxiation killed David Carradine (Caine from Kung Fu!), so robo-erotic asphyxiation has to be deadlier.

Archer and Cyborg Katya

Katya’s nether regions were removable. REMOVABLE! Gah! They might have been the most literal Danger Zone in the entire show.

Katya and Barry (and Other Barry?)

We honestly don’t know how to bill this one. We know cyborg love can be a dangerous proposition, but schizophrenic cyborg ugly bumping? That has to up the ante at least a little bit. Is it a threesome? Is it even sex? Or is it just some weird procedure like when a Roomba goes back to its docking station? We’re not gonna think too hard about it because, gah! Removable vagina again.

Archer and Anka Schlotz

Is there anything more dangerous than rich, attention-seeking jailbait? Not for our intrepid hero. Archer doesn’t actually do the deed with Anka (probably because she’s completely inexperienced underaged), but our fingers are crossed for Anka to make another cameo once she’s legal… which should be right around season five.

Skorpio and Lana and Archer

Assassination missions are dangerous. Assassination missions on the boat of an international arms dealer are really dangerous. Assassination missions on the boat of an international arms dealer that somehow turn into a threesome with two spies, the arms dealer, and what we hope is a whole lot of chocolate, is so freaking dangerous (and erotic, let’s be honest) that we just wet ourselves. Or was that “whet” ourselves? Maybe both.

Krieger and His Hologram

How does one carry on a relationship with a hologram? How does that relationship turn physical? How do you take her with you in your sweet van? These are questions we simply can’t answer, but a certain Hitler-clone, mad scientist probably could. So just put your questions in an envelope, address it to Fort Kickass, and wait patiently for a response. We’re sure you’ll get one. Trust us. And if you want to experience Krieger and his hologram firsthand, check out the exclusive “Fisherman’s Daughter” anime short on the Season 4 Blu-ray and DVD.

Photos by FX

Mentioned in this article: comedy Entertainment tv

Archer’s Deadliest Conquests

Read This Next