Ashton Kutcher is TV’s Highest-Paid Actor, Earning $24M (or $45K per Dick Joke)

No, seriously – we’ve done the math.

Forbes has released its annual list of TVs highest-paid actors, and Ashton Kutcher is at the top, earning $24 million last year for his “work” on CBS’ Two and a Half Men. We’re not exactly avid viewers of this show, because holy God it looks terrible we work a lot, but as far as we can surmise, Kutcher is being paid an exorbitant amount of cash to deliver cheap dick jokes for 22 minutes each week. And to add insult to injury, when he’s done with that, he goes home to this.

Ok, but with a $24 million price tag, those jokes better be fast, furious, and funny. And let’s just say we’ve seen That ’70s Show. And Dude Where’s My Car? And What Happens in Vegas. And they don’t exactly instill a ton of the ol’ confidence. So, like any diligent journalists, we were curious to see if we could determine how much Kutcher earns every time a sex joke is made by or about his character – including but not limited to: how he has a small pecker, how he always thinks with his pecker, how he puts his pecker in places no pecker should go, and so on. But who has the time to actually watch this cheesy sitcom and tally the jokes?

Oh, hello, new Maxim intern. Are you busy? What? You’re writing the entire January issue because according to the editors, “these cat videos aren’t going to watch themselves”? Well, when you’re finished with that, please watch any episode of Two and a Half Men and make a note of every sex-related joke, and then send that list back to us so we can calculate the going rate for middling dick jokes over at CBS. Thanks!

Well, the list we got back from our intern – who more than earned her school credit for today – is the best thing that’s ever happened:

This is for “I Think I Banged Lucille Ball.”

0:30 Gay Joke

0:50 Dick Joke

6:30-7:05 About 5 Sex /Dick Jokes (Not about him)

7:20 Sex Joke (Not about him)

7:28 Dick Joke (Not about him)

7:38 Sex Joke

7:45 Dick Joke (Not about him)

8:40 Sex Joke (Not about him)

8:58 Sex Joke (Not about him)

10:28 Sex Joke (Not about him)

11:40 Sex Joke (Not about him)

12:15 Dick Joke (Not about him)

14:17 Gay Joke

15:25 Sex Joke (Not about him)

16:35 Dick Joke

16:45 Sex Joke (Not about him)

17:30 Sex Joke (Not about him)

19:10 Sex Joke

19:15 Sex Joke

19:27 Gay Joke

19:50 Sex Joke

If you count the hilarious episode title, that’s around 22 jokes that can be classified within the umbrella of “sex joke.” For the sake of round numbers, let’s say there are 24 episodes in a season, and he’s getting $1M per. Divide by 22, carry the one…and it seems like every time a sex joke is made on Two and a Half Men, Ashton Kutcher earns approximately $45K – regardless of who delivers the line. And that is the biggest joke of all.

Photos by Michael Yarish / CBS