The Athlete Apology-o-matic

It’s like Mad Libs for degenerates.

It’s like Mad Libs for degenerates.

(Photo by George Burns)

With athletes publicly blowing it left and right, lots of sportsmen (read: their PR people) are issuing written apologies for their depravities. We here at Maxim are truly worried about the toll this is taking on our national treasures. Do they have time? Are their hands cramping up? Don’t they have it hard enough? That’s why we’ve streamlined the process. Behold the Athlete Apology-o-matic. Now your favorite mischief-makers can just fill in the blanks depending on their infractions.

I want to apologize to my [fans, teammates, imaginary in-laws] for putting [performance-enhancing drugs, my penis] in [my twitter feed, my veins, a gently-used gym sock]. I had a moment of weakness where [responsibility, tact, a non-fictional partner] evaded me, and I am [truly, kinda, not that] sorry. This transgression violates [my own standards, online terms of service, the law in most states], and while I can’t count on your forgiveness, I can hope [for it, that I have a good night’s sleep on my bed made of money]. I have been in counsel with [my coach, the ownership, Tony Dungy, Dr. Phil/Drew/Oz] and I feel that I can use this experience to [grow, learn, meet Oprah].

Sports fans, consider all of your heroes redeemed.

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Office Assistant: Deana