The Ballghazi Hearings: The Rest of the Patriots Conspiracy Theories

Highly intelligent dogs, drones, and a cloning facility: We look at a few of the more compelling conspiracy theories surrounding The Patriots

With less than two weeks to go before the Super Bowl, the football world is ablaze with the revelation that the Patriots under-inflated 11 of the 12 balls thrown by Tom Brady on Sunday, giving him a firmer grip in wet weather during his drubbing of the Colts. This isn’t the first time the Patriots have been found to be up to no good: In 2007, the Patriots were found to be spying on the play calls of an opposing team in a scandal dubbed Spygate. Since Spygate, the Patriots have yet to win another Super Bowl, losing twice to the Giants in truly supernatural circumstances. This has given the impression to more than a few that the Patriots have been cursed by some football god to rack up endless victories with nary a Lombardi trophy to show for it. To counter this, astute observers have noticed some serious foul play that the Patriots have engaged in, trying to reverse their fate through any means. In short, deflate-gate is just the tip of the iceberg. Here’s a list of Patriots conspiracy theories that finally shed light on what exactly is going on under Bill Belichick’s hoodie.

Rob Gronkowski Is Actually A Highly-Intelligent Dog

Many people would consider tight end Rob Gronkowski a total dawg, but what if I told you he was an actual dog? According to several popular Patriots conspiracy websites, the truth is that Bill Belichick came across an incredibly large, highly intelligent dog in the park, a dog that showed no fear going across the middle to get a Frisbee. “What if that Frisbee was a football?,” thought Belichick, and the rest is history. Other evidence includes Gronkowski’s proclivity for humping pylons and pornstars, urinating at mid-field, and the fact that he often runs into the stands to get his belly rubbed.

Belichick’s Hoodie Is Hiding A Third Eye, Gifted To Him By An Alien Race  

The Zeta Reticulans, better known as The Greys, visited Belichick on the evening of the day he accepted the head coaching job of the New York Jets. Staring into the hazy meadowlands sky, Belichick thought he was being approached by a wayward plane from Newark, or perhaps some swamp gas stuck in the atmosphere. But no, it was an alien craft. Belichick was taken at beyond the speed of light to their home world in the constellation Reticulum, where he was told that he was to fulfill a greater destiny than being the coach of the Jets. He was to assist in the tutelage of an alien son that had been cast-off to earth two decades before — they called him “Brady.” He had been granted perfect hair and a golden arm. In exchange, the Greys gave Belichick a third eye, which can perfectly divine defensive schemes, tells him which receivers should be eligible, and how best to troll the Jets. The next morning, upon his return to Earth, he resigned his position with the Jets, and a dynasty was born. 

The Patriots Run A Cloning Factory Of Perfectly Anonymous Receivers

After an MIT experiment to create the most average human possible went horribly wrong, the Patriots immediately invested in a cloning facility that created fantastic, albeit incredibly anonymous wide receivers. They even gave the wide receivers joke names like Wes Welker to try to tip off the public, but to no avail. No one can remember what these receivers look like, just that they caught the ball and went out of bounds after picking up eighteen yards on a third and twelve. Julian Edelman, Danny Amendola, Brandon LaFell — these are all terrible names for completely arbitrary faces. But damn can they catch that ball.

A separate facility, built by MIT rival Cal Tech, produced only one tight end, Aaron Hernandez. He was faulty.

Robert Kraft Killed President John F. Kennedy

There was a lone gunman. He just wasn’t Lee Harvey Oswald. Having graduated from Columbia University only months before, Robert Kraft already had his sights set on owning the Patriots. There was just one man standing in the way. Given the opportunity to have a post-presidential career of board chairmanships, leisure, and sleeping with super-models, Kraft knew that JFK would one day make a move to own his hometown football team. Kraft couldn’t let that happen. Climbing the depository steps, Kraft muttered to himself, “History will forgive me.” Three Super Bowls later, perhaps it has. 

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