Best Paranoid Movie Characters

If only we’d heeded their warnings, we might be prepared for today’s apocalypse. See you guys in hell!

Today is December 21—also known as the last day of the Mayan calendar, and incidentally, the world. But while we were busy watching MTV and binge-drinking, these famously paranoid movie characters were probably building nuke-proof underground bunkers and hording canned goods and bottled water. If only we’d heeded their warnings, we might have been prepared for the forthcoming apocalypse. Oh well, too late. See you guys in hell!

Woody Harrelson in 2012

This apocalypse movie was based on the very same apocalypse coming this week. Woody Harrelson plays the token creep who lives in an RV in the mountains, predicting the end of the world on his radio show and blog. We really hope he makes it. (Spoiler: He doesn’t.)

Woody Allen in Annie Hall(or any other movie)

Armageddon movies aren’t the only ones with paranoid characters! In this famous scene from one of the best movies of all time, neurotic Alvy Singer (Woody Allen) insists he’s a frequent victim of anti-Semitism. (For those too young to appreciate Woody Allen, just pretend he’s Larry David making the exact same jokes.)

Mel Gibson in Conspiracy Theory

Speaking of anti-Semitism… HAHA, GET IT??  Of course, we now know that playing a paranoid psycho probably wasn’t much of a stretch for Mel Gibson, although at least the character he played in Conspiracy Theory was vindicated when it turned out that his nutty theories weren’t actually so nutty after all. Not so much for the real Mel.

John Malkovich in Red

As usual, the completely paranoid freak turns out to be right about pretty much everything. And as we can attest to, that’s not what ordinarily happens when you are forced to take LSD every day for 11 years. But how cool is that secret entrance to the underground bunker in the car trunk?

Leonardo DiCaprio in The Aviator

Martin Scorcese’s 2004 film about the life of Howard Hughes stars Leonardo DiCaprio as the visionary entrepreneur, who was known for his bouts of madness. Though if you ask us, what’s the point of being super rich if you can’t sometimes be a bearded recluse who sits around naked in his private screening room, talking to himself and peeing in jars?

Gene Hackman in Enemy of the State

“It’s not paranoia when they’re really after you,” says the voiceover in the trailer for this 1998 thriller. Good point. But these people are still complete fucking lunatics.

Randy Quaid in Independence Day

Sadly, real-life Randy Quaid has turned out to be even more paranoid than the crop-dusting, self-proclaimed alien abductee (and alcoholic) he played in Independence Day. But since that’s depressing, let’s all just fondly remember the days when he led a kamikaze mission into an alien death ray and sacrificed himself to ensure the survival of the human race.

Mayan Apocalypse Panic Grips Russia.

Screw this, show me girls.