Basketball: LeBron James
I don't know what you're talking about, LeBron. This has ALWAYS been my chair. Stop looking at me that way.
Baseball: Jimmy Rollins
Here's an idea: The New York Giants can hire Jimmy Rollins to help review their tapes after the games. He may not be a football player, but it can't get any worse.
Hockey: The New Jersey Devil
Gotta love a sport where a team mascot is the strongest candidate to star in a commercial simply because his face isn't battered and bleeding.
Football: Chad "Ochocinco" Johnson
Nice touchdown dance, Chad! Too bad the only place you'll be able to do it is in a supermarket aisle, while repeatedly checking your phone for a call from an NFL team. Like,
Track: Usain Bolt
Ok, so the guy can run fast. But can he run a
editorial pitch meeting? No. But mostly because he's not a brainless dumb dumb.
Boxing: Floyd Mayweather
If you ever find Floyd Mayweather practicing his left hook on a heavy bag that bears your likeness, there's really only one thing you can do: RUN.
UFC: Georges St. Pierre
Just step into this man's not-at-all-terrifying Octagon cage - he'll happily provide you with some Post-It notes! And possibly a swift kick to the groin.
Soccer: Landon Donovan
Soccer star Landon Donovan earns a yellow card for being terrible at Xeroxing.
NASCAR Racing: Jimmie Johnson
There is nothing at all to see in the ESPN parking lot. Keep it moving.
Golf: Arnold Palmer
You're not really a champion athlete until you can star in a commercial in which you expertly make a drink named after yourself, do not utter a single word, and still blow everyone's minds.
Wrestling: Stone Cold Steve Austin
Stone Cold Steve Austin might be a badass, but the biggest balls in this commercial belong to the guy who fearlessly hits him from behind with a metal chair. Nice work, guy.
Tennis: Roger Federer
One ESPN host's top seeding is highly questionable.