The Schmitter, $7.50
Citizens Bank Park—Philadelphia, PA
Behold the Schmitter: fried salami, steak, cheese, tomatoes, and special sauce on a roll. Then behold the instant clogging of your arteries.
Fenway Frank, $4
Fenway Park—Boston, MA
This legendary frank, boiled and grilled to Fenway perfection and topped with mustard and relish, is the only real way to satiate the powerful hunger that comes from watching baseball and tolerating Boston fans.
Crab Cakes, $11
Camden Yards—Baltimore, MD
Boogs Barbecue gets all the attention, but it's Faidley's crab cakes that make the O's worth watching. Go for the Big-Lump variety. Weird. That was our nickname in high school!
All-You-Can-Eat, Flyers $66, Sixers $31
Wachovia Center—Philadelphia, PA
With the 76ers in rebuilding mode and the Flyers playing, well, hockey, you can eat the pain away with one of this arena's all-you-can-eat hot dogs, popcorn, nachos, and soda packages.
Turkey leg, $6
Legends Field—Tampa, FL
Do yourself a favor and pick up a smoked turkey leg at the Yankees spring training facility. It beats the hell out of a Renaissance fair.
Baked potato, $5
Minute Maid Park—Houston, TX
If you're ever going to eat a baked potato, it really should be stuffed with cheese, pulled pork, and barbecue sauce. Just trust us.
Ybor City Cuban Sandwhich, $6.75
Tropicana Field—St. Petersburg, FL
Sure the Devil Rays perpetually suck, but the Ybor City Cuban sandwich most certainly does not.
All-You-Can-Eat!, $1750 onetime initation fee + $540 season pass (ticket not included)
FedEx Field—Washington, D.C.
Football is all about gluttony, and smart fans in our nation's capital know that means joining the Redskins Tailgate Club. You can start downing all-you-can-eat barbecue ribs, burgers, dogs, baked beans, and more three hours before game time—and be gaseous till Tuesday.
Krispy Kreme donut burger, $4.50
GCS Ballpark—Sauget, IL
The minor league Gateway Grizzlies make our list in a big-league way with the 1,000-calorie Krispy Kreme donut burger. That's sharp cheddar cheese, two slices of bacon, and a "bun" made from a donut sliced in two. It's the best $4.50 you'll ever spend.
Chili dog, $3
Great American Ball Park—Cincinnati, OH
Take a cue from Adam Dunn and scarf down some chili cheese dogs (with famous Cincinnati chili) at everyone's favorite bam-box.
Planked Walleye, $16
Lambeau Field—Green Bay, WI
If you want an authentic experience at the frozen tundra, swing by Curley's Pub for an order of planked walleye. Or just wear a plastic block of cheese on your head.
Jacobs Field—Cleveland, OH
The world's best pierogi (served with sour cream and sautéed onions on the side) might not make for the slimmest female fans, but you'll be too content to care.
Fish tacos especiales, 2 for $7
Qualcomm Stadium—San Diego, CA
The next time you're catching a Chargers game, do yourself a favor and buy a couple of fish tacos topped with guacamole. Just try not to giggle as you order, you frigging 9-year-old.
Gilroy Garlic Fries, $6.50
AT&T Park—San Francisco, CA
With Barry Bonds gone next year, Gilroy Garlic Fries (delicious fries smothered in minced garlic and parsley) might be the only legitimate reason to catch a Giants game in 2008.
Rocky Mountain Oysters, $7.50
Coors Field—Denver, CO
The Rockies ate balls in the World Series, and now you can, too! Rocky Mountain Oysters are the perfect snack for the masochist who misses the Dante Bichette era.
Safeco Field—Seattle, WA
Hot dogs are so 20th century. Pick up one of Safeco's infamous Ichi-rolls (spicy tuna sushi) or opt for a teriyaki bowl at—we swear we're not making this up—a concession stand named Intentional Wok.