Beware of Bullies

Presenting a comprehensive countdown of the most terrifying tormentors in cinematic and TV history.

Presenting a comprehensive countdown of the most terrifying tormentors in cinematic and TV history.

O’Doyle(s), Billy Madison

No matter what grade Adam Sandler was whipping through or what hot-ass teacher he was boning in Billy Madison, the dude always had to deal with one of the O’Doyle brothers, their endless pranks and constant familial mantra “O’Doyle Rules!” Fortunately, while out for a family drive, the oafish clan got their comeuppance, courtesy of a banana peal and a cliff. Karma’s a bitch, O’Doyle.

Roger Klotz, Doug

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dp4ETDSnh-E

With his leather jacket, crazy orange hair, and green face (which is scary enough in its own right), Roger certainly looked the part of the wrong-side-of-the-tracks punk. Though a paper tiger at heart, he and his cat, Stinky, constantly haunted the hallways and stalked the sidewalks looking for Doug Funnie…and trouble. Realizing Roger as more of an annoyance than a threat, Doug managed to eventually stand up to him without getting roughed up. But that’s probably because Rog didn’t want to endanger his chances of nailing Funnie’s sister.

The Gooch, Diff’rent Strokes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-8bs4S1E3w

Arnold regularly complained about some school bully infamously named The Gooch. We trembled, too, until we found out that the Gooch was really a girl and that Arnold was really a bitch.

The Ogre, Revenge of the Nerds

There are brains and there are brawns. Ogre, the fists, not to mention quadriceps, biceps and every other muscle we don’t have, behind the smug Alpha Beta frat, certainly fell in the latter category. He also had an uncanny ability to spot “Nerds! Nerds!,” as well as an apparent disgust for them.

Deebo, Friday

As if living in South Central, L.A., wasn’t hard enough for Craig, Smokey and the rest of their homies, the gang-torn neighborhood was also inhabited by Deebo, a jacked-up behemoth of a dude whose sole form of diplomacy involved “knocking you the fuck out!” Don’t believe us? Just try asking him for your beach cruiser back.

Scut Farkus, A Christmas Story

Sure Ralphie eventually blew a fuse and thrashed the fuck out of Farkus’ already-mangled face, but up till that point the raccoon-capped bully ruled the sidewalk with such unquestionable, fear-instilling authority there was no way we could leave him off this list. Just look into those yellow eyes, withstand the glint of his metallic teeth as he licks his chops and cackles like a hyena and try telling us you don’t feel a warm stream of shit blasting down your leg.

Nelson Muntz, The Simpsons

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYii4h7eBrw

We’ve got a soft spot in our dark, barely beating hearts for bucktoothed bully Nelson Muntz; hell, you’d have some dysfunctional tendencies, too, if your mom was a stripper and your dad worked as a circus freak. Still, with an affinity for making classmates “stop hitting themselves,” a propensity to bust out in his trademark “Ha ha” when someone succumbs to physical misfortune and a wicked smoking habit, Nelson is as tormenting as they make ’em in middle school.

Johnny Lawrence, The Karate Kid

Whereas most bullies’ bark is bigger than their bite, Johnny Lawrence had the physical prowess and martial arts skills—not to mention one hell of a dick attitude—to back it up. Reared on the Cobra Kai credo of “Strike first. Strike hard. No mercy,” Lawrence was as sadistic as they come, and with a penchant for the theatrical (he and his goons beat Daniel to a pulp dressed in skeleton costumes) was scary as hell to boot. Let’s just say Daniel was straight-up fucked until Mr. Miyagi took him under his wing.

Fred O’Bannion, Dazed and Confused

Though this flick took place during the last day of school, the underclassmen populating stoner epic Dazed and Confused were far from carefree. Rather than enjoy the newly anointed summer of ’76, these awkward and scrawny kids had to be on the constant lookout for Fred O’Bannion, a paddle-wielding meathead with a lust for lickin’ young boys’ butts. Wait, that didn’t come out right. Anyway, he was tough and mean; and Ben Affleck—with his perpetual shit-eating grin—played the part to tormenting effect. Just imagine what he’d later do to J-Lo’s rotund backside.

Biff Tannen, Back to the Future

The quintessential high school bully if there ever was one, Biff Tannen’s menacing reach actually extended far beyond the school yard, transcending time and space in the form of his equally mean-spirited ancestors and offspring. No matter what era the Back to the Future trilogy brought us to, there was always a Tannen making some McFly’s existence a living hell. Also, let’s not forget that before George intervened, Biff was all set to rape Marty’s mom Lorraine. Umm, actually, that’s a bit beyond bully. Yikes.