Bill Hader’s Last Day on Earth

SNL chameleon and Men in Black 3 star Bill Hader waxes philosophical on his final day.

SNL chameleon and Men in Black 3 star Bill Hader waxes philosophical on his final day.

Illustrated for Maxim by Masa | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

So how do you want to go?

As I’m walking up to receive an Oscar.

Any deathbed confessions?

I liked a couple of scenes in the Star Wars prequels.

Will you be going to heaven or hell, and why?

Heaven, because I know Lorne Michaels.

If you had to spend eternity as one of your SNL characters, who would it be?

Colonel Nasty from the Cee Lo sketches. It would be a blast…

You play Andy Warhol in MIB3. Who would you want to play you in an adaptation of your life?

Kristin Scott Thomas.

Looking back, what moment would you want wiped out by an MIB-style Neuralizer?

The time I misused the word penultimate in front of Dan Aykroyd. I sweat every time I hear that word.

What celebrity do you think actually could be an alien?

I think I could be an alien…

I feel like E.T. most of the time…and look like him.

MIB3 is set in the ’60s.

What decade do you wish you had grown up in?

Probably 1592-ish. Lots going on.

What woman did you always want to sleep with?

The Queen of England, because those beds look crazy comfortable.

You played a cop in Superbad. Did you do anything in your life that was an arrestable offense?

When I was an assistant on a low-budget movie, I crashed a passenger van into a parked car and drove off. It was 2 a.m. and no one saw anything, but to me it was like I’d just murdered someone. I was paranoid for weeks.

Which person you imper­sonate would give the best eulogy at your funeral?

Clint Eastwood, because he would make me sound like a badass. Or at least a man.

What are your last words?

“Oh, wait, I think I figured this mystery out: You’re the murderer!”

Men in Black 3 is out now.