Bond Week: Theme Songs That Kill (Our Ears)

Is the spy’s secret weapon a God-awful theme song? Possibly.

Is the spy’s secret weapon a God-awful theme song? Possibly.

Skyfall finally premieres in theaters this Friday, and we can’t wait. What we can wait for is another entry into the sadly growing collection of shitty Bond theme songs, courtesy of the woman who’s soundtracked even more acountants’ failed dinner parties than Coldplay, Adele. Below is our list of the seven (because 007! See? Never mind) worst Bond themes thus far. Depressingly, we’re sure there’s more to come.

7 – Moonraker: Shirley Bassey

When you have a theme song that needs belting out with the force of a thousand exploding suns – say, Goldfinger, or Diamonds Are Forever – you call Welsh powerhouse Shirley Bassey. When you have a syrupy, string-drenched ballad whose lyrics don’t even fit into the chorus properly, ask – well, anyone else, really. This song makes Bassey sound like an old woman drowning in a bath full of oatmeal.

6 – Tomorrow Never Dies: Sheryl Crow

Sorry, y’all – country and Bond don’t mix. Not even a little bit.

5 – For Your Eyes Only: Sheena Easton

This ‘80s effort reminds us less of the kick-ass actions of a suave super spy than it does people posing awkwardly for their prom photos. Talk about emasculating.

4 – Skyfall: Adele

We’re stoked about the new James Bond movie coming out this Friday (in case you couldn’t tell), but Adele’s monotonous screech anthem is definitely killing our vibe. Luckily – for everyone – the sound starts to affect you less when Bérénice Marlohe walks onto the screen.

3 – Another Way To Die: Jack White & Alicia Keys

After all of the incredible rock n’ roll Jack White has contributed to the world, he seriously disappoints in this awful mash-up with Alicia Keys. The part-techno-part-jazz-experiment tries to cover its empty sound with a shouty, wordy chorus, but it still sounds like White threw it together in the back of his limo while en route to the bank to cash his enormous paycheck.

2 – Die Another Day: Madonna

Madonna should stick to the things she knows: lace, contortion, and faux-virginity. This techno dance anthem could be heard in cheesy nightclubs around the world, and while it might make sense pumping out to a room full of sweaty dudes waving glow sticks, it does not make sense paired with a Bond movie – even one as dumb as this one was.

1 – The Man with the Golden Gun: Lulu

There are just not enough bad things to say about this song. Aside from hamering the ‘weapon is kind of a euphemism for penis!’ line home with all the subtlety of a drunk elephant trying to take its shoes off in the dark, it also mangles the beloved Bond Theme into a Godawful, throwback showtune. Kickline, anyone?

Show me some more music.

Show me some Bond Girl Galleries.