Celebrity Bands Must Die

When the average person with no musical ability feels a song coming on, they get drunk and do karaoke. When the same thing happens to the average celebrity with no musical talent, they start a band.

Jared Leto—30 Seconds to Mars
We don’t know what kind of rocket ship can take you to Mars in 30 seconds, but if Leto’s band is playing on the rocket stereo, that’s 30 seconds too long.

Bruce Willis—The Accelerators
According to our sources, Bruce Willis quite rightfully has a reason to sing the blues—his pool’s too hot, his sauna’s drafty, and his butler just quit. But that doesn’t mean that you (or anyone other than 40-year-old secretaries) should go and see this chubby bald man huff and puff his way through two hours of mediocre harmonica solos.

Kevin Bacon—The Bacon Brothers
First off, the “Bacon Brothers” sounds like the next fast-food marketing scheme to come out of Burger King HQ—imagine two thick slabs of bacon with googly eyes, walking down the street singing, “We gonna lay ourselves down on a patty tonight, we gonna party tonight.” And secondly… Actually, that pretty much covers it.

Chris Jericho—Fozzy
When Jericho’s wrestling career was over, he thought to himself, How am I going to find another career where you can oil your shirtless torso up and strut around in leather pants? Four seconds later, he started Fozzy, a sort of rock’n’roll tribute band that attracts more or less the same kind of people that wrestling does—those who are entertained by half-dressed men in tights.

Steven Seagal—Thunderbox
Apparently Seagal named the band after an experience he had with a female weight lifter who’d worked out her thigh muscles to the point where she could actually cause a violent downpour to… Well anyway, you get the picture. It’s also worthwhile to note that America’s number one supplier of mobile compost toilets is also called Thunderbox—no crap!

Jada Pinkett Smith—Wicked Wisdom
This one is so perplexing it’s almost too complicated to comprehend. Jada Pinkett Smith is in a Nu-metal band? She grew up in inner-city Baltimore and was friends with Tupac for Christ’s sake! What could Jada possibly bring to Nu-metal? Isn’t that genre reserved exclusively for middle-class suburban white teenagers whose angst comes from not having the car on the weekend?

Russell Crowe—The Ordinary Fear of God
Instead of telling you that this is, quite possibly, the worst music ever created, we’ll just give you a fun fact: In 2005, Crowe changed the band’s name from 30 Odd Foot of Grunts to the Ordinary Fear of God. He kept the same acronym (TOFOG) to save him the cost of remaking the band’s monogrammed merch!

Billy Bob Thornton—The Billy Bob Thornton Band
Thornton suffers from a rare disorder that makes him terribly afraid of antique furniture, but it’s a shame that he isn’t afraid of making bad Tom Waits–ish raspy “Leave me alone, honey, I been drinkin’ hard” kind of music.

Taryn Manning—Boomkat
Because major labels like DreamWorks are as in touch with music as the Pope (the dead ones, not the living one), they’re willing to sign bands like Boomkat, who dutifully release albums of boring electro pap. Like another band that features actors, Boomkat is treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry… And not in a good way.

Adrian Grenier—The Honey Brothers
Here’s a simple analogy: Entourage’s Adrian Grenier is a calf-high black sock and his hippy acousti-folk band, the Honey Brothers, is a sandal. This is the kind of band that will embarrass you in front of every girl you’ve ever liked.