A Chat With “The Dictator”

We get political with Wadiya’s beloved supreme ruler, General Aladeen

We get political with Wadiya’s beloved supreme ruler, General Aladeen

Photo Courtesy of Paramount Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

Admiral General Aladeen is a really busy guy, what with all the rights suppression, nuclear development and DVD/Blu-ray releases he has going on. (He’s also constantly battling that nasty rumor that he’s a “totally fictional character” played by “Sacha Baron Cohen.”) But luckily, we managed to snag some time with the dear leader of Wadiya. Aladeen may be a made-up character, but he had some — let’s say nuanced — thoughts on current events. Enlighten yourself on healthcare and the Olympics below.

According to your website, you have 118 PhDs. Can you tell us what some of them are in?

That figure has now actually gone up to 137 — I received another 3 PhDs last week. And I would also like to stress that I did not just receive them from Aladeen University; I also studied at the University of Aladeen and Northwest Aladeen State. And also Qatar Community College. Regarding the subjects of my degrees, I obviously have the basics: English, Maths, Physics and Torture — but also some specialized ones, such as something “ology”… I can’t remember the rest of it, but I know that I have all the “ologies” and all the “istrys” and all the “ographys.” And I’m also a trained chiropodist, but I can’t practice legally yet because you have to have had your license for six months first.

We couldn’t help but notice your wall of conquests in The Dictator. Of all the celebrities you’ve slept with, who was the most disappointing?

I had a threesome with the two Olsens and they were a disappointment – Mary-Kate was fine, but her father was way too rough.

Photo Courtesy of Paramount Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

The healthcare debate is raging in the U.S. right now. Can you tell us about Wadiya’s current healthcare system?

My country has a thriving healthcare system — I personally pledge that any Wadiyans who are treated by it will be back on their feet, fighting fit, and ready to be tortured again with four weeks of admission to hospital. Like most nations, we do have problems with a shortage of organs though — people are just not born with enough of them and if they have not confessed by the time we’ve removed four or five, they tend to die.

We also have an election coming up. What is your advice to the American people this November?

For me, I do not care. Whichever one wins it will be business as usual; they will sell me thousands of weapons and then fly drones over my country ready to shoot at me the minute I take them out of their boxes. If I HAD to choose between the two candidates, I think that I probably have more in common with Romney. Both of us are from backgrounds where having 20 wives is acceptable, both our economic policies favor only billionaires and neither of us has paid any taxes for the past 20 years.

Can you tell us about any particularly wild parties you’ve had with fellow dictators like Castro, Chavez or Ahmadinejad?

The best parties I attend are usually the ones I throw myself, in particular my monthly birthday parties. At the last one I had Elton John and Ricky Martin perform a duet of “Endless Love.” Yes, this is because Diana Ross and Lionel Ritchie pulled out at the last second (if only I could master that — I wouldn’t have such horrific child maintenance bills!), but I got a wig for Ricky and it worked out fine.

Photo Courtesy of Paramount Pictures | Licensed to Alpha Media Group 2012

The Olympics took place in London this year. As a veteran of the Wadiyan Spring Games, what are your thoughts on the 2012 competition?

I find this subject hard to talk about. It is an outrage that Wadiya has been banned from the Olympics and I am personally very deeply affected, since I am my country’s number one athlete and fastest runner. In the recent Wadiyan Games I won the 100 Meters Gold after my closest rival retired in the Semi Finals suffering from a badly ruptured ankle. In that tournament, I also won the 4 x 400 metres relay all by myself, and every event in the women’s gymnastics. I have had a huge passion for the Olympics ever since my father allowed me to stay up late to watch the Munich games in 1972. It was the first time I was allowed champagne. I would have to say though that of all my sporting achievements, my proudest is probably the threesome I had with the Williams sisters.

During your time in New York, which American concept horrified you the most?

Many things about the Great Satan, America, horrify me. But perhaps most of all, it was the outrageous prices you people charge for things. I stayed at the Marriott in Time Square and in the minibar it was $12 for a tube of Pringles — not even a full sized one, but only about 28 inside. I counted them. What the fuck!!! And they call me an international criminal!!!

The Dictator is available on DVD and Blu-ray on Tuesday!