Dog Movie Previews: “White House Down,” “The Heat” & “How To Make Money Selling Drugs”
What do Maxim’s movie-loving dogs recommend watching this weekend? Let’s find out!
Out June 28, Rated PG-13
Photo Courtesy of Columbia Pictures
Holly’s take:
“Yep…it’s this year’s other movie about the White House getting taken over by terrorists. Because, y’know, why roll one giant ball of dumb into the world when you could have two? Still, I dig a good action flick, which is exactly what this looks like. While Olympus Has Fallen was clearly intended to be ‘Die Hard in the Oval Office,’ this one looks more like ‘Lethal Weapon in the West Wing,’ with Channing Tatum and Jamie Foxx riffing off each other while the world blows up around them. There’s no brooding and grittiness to the trailer – it’s all gags, explosions, banter, and Foxx portraying the least convincing President since Warren G. Harding. In short: Probably a more entertaining option than C-SPAN this weekend.”
Dexter’s take:
“Remember in Independence Day when the President got into a fighter jet and went to shoot at spaceships, and everyone in the audience laughed at how silly it was? This movie has the President leaning out the back window of an armored limo, firing a rocket launcher at terrorists. You can decide for yourself if that’s progress. Still, in the absence of a better option, it gets my vote. Huh. Sorry, having election day flashbacks.”
Billie’s take:
“WHY DO SO MANY MOVIE STARS LOOK LIKE POTATOES THESE DAYS? VIN DIESEL HAS ALWAYS LOOKED LIKE A BOILED POTATO, BUT NOW CHANNING TATUM’S STARTING TO LOOK LIKE ONE, TOO. IT IS STARTING TO FREAK ME OUT, YOU GUYS.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXufri0Ts3c
Out June 28, Rated R
Photo Courtesy of Twentieth Century Fox
Holly’s take:
“It’s a buddy movie kind of a weekend! This one’s about an uptight FBI agent (Sandra Bullock) who partners with a slobby, ‘I-don’t-play-by-the-rules’ Boston cop (Melissa McCarthy) to break a big case. I’m going to take a wild guess that although they find each other irritating, by the end, they’ll have seen past the flaws and come to respect and admire each other after sharing in some hilarious, action-y hijinks. I know, I know – I think I might be psychic!”
Dexter’s take:
“I’m racking my brain, and I can’t think of another buddy cop movie I’ve seen where both the leads are women, so this one already gets points for novelty. The only important question, of course, is whether it’s funny, so here are its credentials: It’s directed by Paul Feig (director of Bridesmaids); it stars Melissa McCarthy, who can pretty much always be relied on for doing whatever it takes to get a laugh; and it also stars Sandra Bullock, who can pretty much always be relied on for being vaguely aggravating in any role she takes. So, this feels like it could have a few solid laughs at the very least. All in all, it seems like an ideal summer date movie: Something for the girls, something for the guys, not enough plot to distract you from smooching, and just enough crappy bits to let you bond over your mutual nitpicking during dinner. Because everyone knows that relationships forged over shared hatreds are the ones that last, kids!”
Billie’s take:
“I WISH THIS WAS JUST A REMAKE OF HEAT, STARRING SANDRA BULLOCK AND MELISSA McCARTHY. I WOULD PAY ALL THE MONEYS I HAVE (BOTH OF THEM!) TO SEE McCARTHY PLAY THE AL PACINO ROLE IN THIS SCENE.”
How To Make Money Selling Drugs
Out June 26, Unrated
Photo Courtesy of Tribeca Film
Holly’s take:
“Wow. So, we went to see this, and boy, it does not paint a very encouraging picture of ‘the war on drugs.’ It’s an interesting documentary, though – it details exactly how much money drug dealers make at each level of the game, from corner pusher through smuggler, all the way up to cartel owner, stopping along the way to show the depressing amount of money the government makes from locking up know-nothing corner kids for longer than they do murderers. It even delves into prescription drugs a little, and honestly, I now feel kinda shitty about myself every time I pop a Clomipramine.”
Dexter’s take:
“If you’ve read Freakonomics, some of the information early on in this documentary will feel pretty familiar, but stick with it – it covers a lot of ground in a very economical way. The MTV editing and video game graphics make it all feel a little frivolous at times, but once it settles into its story, it’s a solid – if monumentally depressing – take on America’s baffling decision to fill its prisons to bursting with minor drug offenders, with commentary from former dealers, DEA agents, and guys like David Simon, creator of The Wire. If statistics like, ‘America has 5% of the world’s population, but 25% of the world’s prisoners’ don’t raise the hair on your neck, I’m not sure what will. Well, yes, the dog groomer’s hairdryer, obviously. You knew what I meant.”
Billie’s take:
“IF ANYONE TRIES TO MAKE A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT MY DRUG CARTEL, I’LL INTRODUCE THEM TO MY LITTLE FRIEND! HE’S NAME’S NIGEL. HE’S A HAMSTER. COPS LOVE HAMSTERS!”
Want more funny movie stories? Try Ranking Tom Cruise’s Character Names By Awesomeness or The 5 Toughest Guys Who Eat Twinkies.
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