Dog Movie Reviews: “Machete Kills”
What did Maxim’s movie-reviewing dogs think of Machete’s bigger, flashier sequel? Muy bueno!
Out October 11, Rated R
Movie Stills Photos Courtesy of Open Road Films
“Well, holy Christing fuck-pants, this was a whole helluva lot of fun. The plot – of which there is a surprising amount – involves Machete being tasked with taking down a Mexican cartel lord with multiple personality disorder and a nuclear weapon detonator inserted into his heart, which sounds like more than enough for several movies, but is in fact just the beginning. Things explode, heads are severed, many beautiful women wear increasingly tiny outfits, and Danny Trejo deadpans his way through some of the most ludicrous onscreen action I’ve seen in some time. There’s even an innovative disemboweling scene that, while it doesn’t quite beat the surprise of the first movie’s intestinal bungee cord, is still worthy of a mention. The best part of the movie by miles is the performance of Sofia Vergara as a demented brothel owner – I’m pretty sure that nobody who has ever lived has ever had as much fun as Sofia Vergara did making this movie. While the other actresses pout and overact in a fun, campy manner, Vergara howls, roars, thrusts, and bellows her way through the movie, grinning from ear to ear like she literally cannot believe that this much fun exists in the universe. She’s deliriously watchable, and I’d pay good money to see her in her own spin-off franchise. Well, I say ‘money.’ It’s more like some chewed sticks and a dead squirrel. But you know what I mean.”
“I’m surprised to say, I rather enjoyed this. The first movie left me pretty cold – I thought the original Machete trailer from Grindhouse was hilarious, but stretched to a whole movie, it just dragged the joke out too long and bored me senseless. This time, however, director Robert Rodriguez has his shit together – it still definitely feels longer than its 90-minute run time, but it’s mostly a lot of fun. I particularly enjoyed a running celebrity cameo joke involving an assassin called ‘El Chameleon’ (and talking of cameos, there’s another blink-and-you’ll-miss-it appearance by Bruce Campbell in another scene), and there are several funny Star Wars references, including an Empire Strikes Back parody that even George Lucas might have a sense of humor about.
“Interestingly, what started as a joke trailer seems to be bloodily blossoming into its own franchise. Machete Kills begins with a fake trailer for a third installment – Machete Kills Again…In Space – and it seems like a funny, tongue in cheek way of kicking things off, because, come on, there are never going to be three of these things. But by the midway point of the movie, it starts tying things up in a way that In Space ends up being the only possible plot for a follow-up, and one that we may well get if enough people clamor for it. Considering this is a movie series that only exists in the first place because of fan response to an amusing fake trailer, it’s more than appropriate.”
“WOW! I CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW! A DUDE HACKING PEOPLE APART WITH A MACHETE WHILE GIRLS TOOK THEIR CLOTHES OFF AND STUFF EXPLODED ALL AROUND HIM! I’M PRETTY GLAD I SKIPPED OUT ON THIS MOVIE AND WENT TO THE WORLD’S MOST VIOLENT STRIP CLUB INSTEAD!”