Dos and Donts of Fantasy Sports According to Cousin Sal of Jimmy Kimmel Live

The dos and don’ts of fantasy sports, courtesy of Jimmy Kimmel Live’s Cousin Sal.

The dos and don’ts of fantasy sports, courtesy of Jimmy Kimmel Live’s Cousin Sal.

Do: Add a provision where the overall winner gets to vote a team out of the league. We did this in my East Coast league, and now everyone hates each other’s guts. It’s the best.

Don’t: Bad-mouth the players on your team to other owners. At some point you’ll want to trade these deadbeats, and you don’t want to blow a potential deal. If you were selling your car, you wouldn’t complain about the smell of the dead hooker in your trunk, right? Let them find out for themselves.

Do: Keep track of the bye weeks. You don’t want zero points in the QB slot because you were watching the Ice Road Truckers marathon instead of paying attention to the schedule.

Don’t: Name your team after a current event. The Exxon Valdez Vandals isn’t nearly as clever in the year 2015.

Do: Make it so that the owner of the last-place team foots the bill for drinks at the end-of-year banquet. It forces everyone to care about their crappy team until the very end.

Don’t: Include any player from your favorite team on your fantasy team. You’re just setting yourself up for double disappointment. It’s like betting on your child, if that child were a billion­aire who didn’t give a shit about you.

Do: Allow your wife/girlfriend to cheat on you at least once during the season. Believe me, she deserves it after all the time you dedicate to managing real players to play on your pretend team. Not to mention you probably won’t even notice.

Don’t: Make a habit of answering people’s hypothetical questions about lineup decisions. Analyzing which receiver they should start in their third flex position is a pathetic waste of time. I mean, even more pathetic than the idea of fantasy football in general

Do: Trust your own instincts when it comes to starting and sitting players. Here’s a tip: The so-called gridiron genius you’re paying $4.99 a month for advice is most likely a 12-year-old nerd who operates his empire from his school library’s computer.

Don’t: Show up drunk to your draft. Remember in college when you’d get drunk and wake up next to an ugly chick. Now imagine spending the next 17 Sundays with that chick. That chick’s name is JaMarcus Russell.

Do: Sign up for the fastest Internet con­nec­tion you can. In a first-come, first-served free-agent pickup system, it may come down to mere seconds in deciding who gets to add next year’s Peyton Hillis on the league Web site.

Don’t: Tank a game after you’ve been eliminated. This is never acceptable and will automatically grant you a spot in hell’s top bunk, above Osama bin Laden.