As sports fans, it’s not uncommon to think your team has the worst luck. From the Red Sox faithful believing in the Curse of the Bambino for 86 years, to Cubs fans deeming a Billy goat to be the culprit for not winning a World Series title – let’s all just agree it was Steve Bartman - we get so wrapped-up in how devastating it can be to cheer for our own team, that it’s easy to overlook other dreaded cities that have it much, much worse. So while it’s understandable that the city of Dallas is pissed off that the Cowboys haven’t won jack shit for the past decade, at least they have the nearby Rangers, and even the Mavericks to celebrate with. It’s still unfathomable how a team like the Colts can go from Peyton Manning to Andrew Luck in a matter of months, after sitting through one crappy year. Talk about good luck… literally. Anyway, while some cities seem to reap all the fortunes, this is a list for those that aren’t so blessed.
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The Bengals haven’t won a Super Bowl since… oh, that’s right, never, yet they’ve been a franchise since the freakin’ LBJ administration - and we're not talking about LeBron. To make matters worse, it seems like if you’re a criminal in the NFL and available for hire, the Bengals will scoop you up to see if the partying city that is Cincinnati can change your bad boy ways. Surprise! Doesn’t happen. Who knew the Nasty 'Nati was the place to be? At least the Reds have won five World Series titles, which sounds pretty impressive till you realize their last one came in 1990, when Chris Sabo was their leading home run hitter. Who? Exactly.
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Quick - tell us something memorable in recent DC sports history. Most people can either point to the Wizards' locker room gun show from a couple seasons ago, or Obama sipping a beer courtside. Ouch. The Capitals have Ovechkin (when he isn't hurt), the Wizards are a joke, and even when the Nationals have one of the best records in the majors, they blow it by shutting down their ace Stephen Strasburg. Hey, at least the Redskins have RGIII, so maybe not all's lost?
6. Kansas City
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Luckily, they have really good BBQ and tailgating to get them through their miserable sports seasons, otherwise who knows where they'd turn? The Royals haven’t won a damn thing since 1985, and the Chiefs once relied on an over-the-hill Joe Montana to bail them out of the gutter. Of course it didn’t happen, and KCers have had to deal with bad luck (and cold weather), every season since. When your city’s highlight is George Brett’s tirade, you know things are pretty shitty.
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It's like they're always playing “just the tip” with their fans: They constantly seem to field teams with big names like Joe Mauer, Adrian Peterson and Kevin Garnett, but how many titles have they actually won? Ehhh… People still talk about how the Vikings went 15-1 back in '98, only to lose in the NFC Championship, but if you want to remember what happened 14 years ago, that would include us being adolescent teens with pimples and just-emerging pubic hair. Let's not go back to those days.
4. San Diego
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The only thing that's actually in San Diego's favor is that it consistently has nice weather. When you're talking about sports luck, however, that shit's pretty nonexistent: Just one major title in 50 years, a couple baseball pennants and an (always) underachieving NFL team (Chargers). When your football team's most infamous players are Ryan Leaf or Dan Fouts' beard, you’re a pretty miserable sports city.
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Sure, folks in the A-T-L can talk about how the Braves, Hawks and Falcons are always pretty decent, but we'd rather actually take a chick home than just spend our night talking to one. That's what life's like in Atlanta, where they have a strike-shortened '95 World Series title as their lone high point. And have you ever even been to a Hawks game before? The place is always half empty, and the fans who are actually there don't cheer because, well, God-forbid there be any noise in the arena. Oh, and that whole hockey gimmick they had for a few years? That failed because no one knew they even had a hockey team, so the NHL moved them… Wait, Atlanta had a hockey team once?
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Dear Mariners, we guess it was pretty tough building a team around guys like Ken Griffey Jr. (in his prime), Randy Johnson (in his prime), and Alex Rodriguez (right before his prime). Even after losing all those dudes, you still tied an MLB-best in wins with 116, and have zero World Series appearances to show for it. Good fucking job. How bad is your luck? Not only did your basketball team move to Oklahoma City - a tourist's dream - but now you have to watch the best young team in the Association (Thunder), run off a damn dynasty here in the next couple years. The Seahawks may have made the Super Bowl once, but if you're really banking on them being your saving grace, you're in as much denial about how shitty your teams are as former Sonic Shawn Kemp is about his weight.
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Oh boy, where to start? This writer sadly grew up right near the 216, so you better believe this one hits close. No major title since 1964 - before the Super Bowl was even around. The Drive. The Fumble. The Move. The Decision. The Despair. Okay, that last one isn't really an event, unless you count the feeling with every sports team in town before a new season. In Cleveland, it's not a matter of what will go wrong, but when it will. LeBron leaves for the lights, wins a title, and the Cavs' lone bright spot Kyrie Irving breaks his hand punching a wall. We swear Larry Dolan actually hates owning the Indians, and the Browns have had 16 starting Quarterbacks since their "rebirth" in 1999. The Colts before this year? One. Peyton Manning. Hope Browns fans are pumped for this season!