Before diving into Maxim.com’s coverage of all things mad this championship season, read Deadspin and Kissing Suzie Kolber columnist Drew Magary’s five reasons to enjoy the season without knowing dick about college basketball.
March Madness is upon us. Are you not quite up to speed on your college basketball? Have you yet to contract Jimmermania from that blonde Mormon cocktease who works down the hall? Fear not. You don’t need to know anything about basketball to prepare yourself for March Madness. If anything, you’re better off knowing nothing at all. Ask your 85-year-old great aunt, who has won her office pool for three decades straight.
See, if you know things about college basketball, that means you probably expect to have some kind of edge when it comes to picking who will advance in the tournament and who won’t. And this is an illusion. A lie. A farce. Knowledge is the beer goggles of bracket filling. The less you have of it, the more true beauty shines through. So don’t waste your time trying to bone up on trivial matters, like where Belmont is located (Nashville! Shocking, isn’t it?). Let the Jay Bilases of the world fret about that. Instead, I strongly suggest you enjoy all the basketball-free aspects of March Madness, such as:
Hey, who doesn’t like losing money? You know those poor saps who stand outside the convenience store all day long filling out scratch tickets with the last of their food stamp money? Well, those people have just as good a chance to win $500 as you do in your office pool! And who hasn’t wanted to live vicariously as an OTB wino for a few days? No one, that’s who.
You’re an alcoholic, which means you’ll find any excuse to drink. But isn’t it nice when you manage to stumble upon an excuse to drink that feels legitimate compared to your other made-up drinking occasions, like “I made a paper clip necklace” Day? I say yes.
Furthermore, March Madness is not only a fabulous excuse for drinking, but it’s the only annual sporting event that offers you a legitimate excuse to drink during working hours. No one bats an eyelash if you head to the bar at 2pm on that first Thursday to have some beers. Oh sure, you tell your boss you’ll be back in an hour, but you know that he knows that you know you have no plans to actually honor that. You’ll be hammered by 3:30PM and everything will be wonderful and you’ll wonder why every Thursday can’t be just like this, because it should.
Sometimes, March Madness brings with it just a taste of real spring. Temps in the 50s and 60s. People drinking outside. Women wearing clothing that gives you boners. That all starts right around now. Isn’t it grand?
FILLING OUT FORMS
There’s a certain satisfaction to physically filling out a bracket, regardless of what team you pick. It’s like filling out forms at the doctor’s office. They’re a pain in the ass, but deep down they’re kind of fun. Do you have any STD’s? No, you don’t! What a pleasant reminder!
And here is the best reason of all to embrace March Madness. You don’t need to know a thing about basketball to hate some asshole school like Duke. All you need are two eyes and the ability to judge people quickly and unfairly. Man, those Duke kids look like real dipshits. You hate them. You hope they choke on gas and die. And who’s that coach at Texas? Rick Barnes? That guy looks like a prick. You hate him. You don’t know why, but you do. And your ex-girlfriend went to George Mason, so that team can go to Hell. And that’s the miracle of March Madness. Every year, hate blossoms anew.
So join us as we prepare you for the Tournament. I hope you’re drunk and ready to lose money and have a low sense of self-esteem that causes you to lash out angrily at people you don’t even know. Because that’s what this thing is really all about.