Five Reasons Why the Super Bowl Shuffle Still Sucks (and Is Still Awesome)
Twenty-five years later, we’re counting down the ways we still find the video amusing, and why it should be locked away in a vault, never to be seen again.
It’s the week before the Big Game and there are two things guaranteed to happen between now and kickoff: Tony Siragusa will empty out every Denny’s within a three-mile radius of Sun Life Stadium and you’re going to see the old guys on TV recount all the old timey stuff that happened in each and every Super Bowl ever. Of course, this means yet another airing of the famed 1985 team song, “The Super Bowl Shuffle.” Twenty-five years later, we’re counting down the ways we still find the video amusing, and why it should be locked away in a vault, never to be seen again.
Why It’s Still Laughably Awesome
1. A visibly uncomfortable back-up quarterback Steve Fuller dancing and screeching like he’s got a goal post up his ass.
2. “I’m not here to feather’s ruffle…” Is that the best they could think of to rhyme with ‘shuffle’? Apparently so. Thanks again, Steve!
3. You’ve gotta be kidding us, Steve. During this four-second shot of the stage (3:39-3:43) you’re dancing against the grain! What the hell is wrong with you?
4. Richard Dent starts off strong, singing “If the quarterback’s slow, he’s gonna get bent,” but kind of quits around the word ‘pass’. Show some heart, damnit—this is for charity!
5. “It’s Gary here and I’m Mr. Clean…” Gary Fencik’s got the voice of a choir boy with his sack stuck in a car door. Plus, when he sings “…ring your bell…” it’s a bit too fabulous for our taste. Now we know why they call him “Hitman.” (Wink!)
Why It Still Sucks
1. Who the hell gave Calvin Thomas that saxophone? Has he ever seen a saxophone before? Shouldn’t he know you have to at least wiggle your fingers if you’re pretending to play it? We hate to think what would’ve happened if they had given him the drumsticks.
2. As a punter, Maury Buford was used to wearing one of those stupid, single-bar punter helmets. That still doesn’t justify the ridiculous hat he’s sporting in the video. No one else got to wear a hat. That’s just unfair.
3. We love novelty songs, but hearing the same joke song year after year begins to chafe our funny bone. We also have the fear that the NFL, attempting to recapture the ‘magic’, will try to remake it with a verson that’s even more annoying. Oh, what’s that? Someone is already doing that? Brace yourselves.
4. Damn it, Calvin. You suck at that fucking saxophone.
5. It’s mean to Bears fans. They had absolutely nothing to be excited about this year and thanks to Youtube, they have Jim McMahon’s stupid face reminding them of when they were worth a crap every five seconds.