Five Reasons Your Fantasy Team is Already Doomed

Think this is your year? Think again.

Week 2 of the NFL season is already long gone and we think it’s safe to panic; your painstakingly researched – and cleverly-named – team is about to bite the dust. There’s a silver lining though; we’re here to tell you what you did wrong after the fact (we’re really good at that). And hey, don’t fret, there’s always next season.

1.    You took Chris Johnson in the first round

Look, we all thought this was going to be his year. There were no contract distractions or injury concerns. All he had to do was what he does best. Yet, through the first two weeks CJ2K has less rushing yards than Jake Locker. That’s quarterback Jake Locker. Best known for, um, not really being known.

2.    You took Jamaal Charles in the second round

Jamaa-rles (his new nickname, says us) had the same potential, hairdo, and situation as Chris Johnson last year. We celebrated his drop into the second or even third round (“What a steal!”), but on Sunday he rushed six times for a total of 3 yards. That’s .5 yards per carry. That’s not a joke. It’s funny, but it’s most definitely not a joke.

3.    You have any Steelers backup running back

The Steelers carried three viable backs into the regular season in place of the injured Rashard Mendenhall; one of them has to generate, right? WRONG. Not one of the three has broken 75 yards in the first two weeks combined.  When Rashard Mendenhall returns, these three will be so far down the depth chart they’ll be clipping Big Ben’s obviously gross toenails.

4.    The Giants are your “defense”

Remember the sack machine that ripped through the playoffs last year? Well, the Bucs hung 34 points on them at home this Sunday and the secondary is about as deep as a kiddie pool. If they’re anchoring your mighty steamship of a fantasy squad, it’s probably floating away right about now.

5.    Even if your team is perfect, the replacement refs will doom you

Penalties are going uncalled and you can bet that eventually touchdowns will go un-awarded. It doesn’t matter if you have a four-headed RodgeRomoMannVick under center and Arian Foster on speed dial, these scabs have it in for you. And with Roger Goodell in charge of sorting this mess out, I would get comfy.

Want to see what we thought of NFL Week 2? Click here!

Or just look at cheerleaders. Your call, buddy.